Another Day Has Come and Gone. Morin is Still Not Here on Earth! :-( I Still Miss You Baby

These are some of Morin's remote control toys.  He loved playing with them.

Early this morning I had a pretty severe crying spell.  I finally fell asleep a little after 6:00 am and slept fitfully for about three hours.  I guess it's part of the package that grief brings with it.  Once I got up I had a pretty good day.  I did struggle twice to avoid crying, but that is something I've been experiencing often throughout every day since Morin died.  Usually I do actually spend some time crying, so I consider today to have been a good day. 

This is the bike Morin kept trying to ride.  He fell off every time because he was too weak.

Keeping busy seems to help, though I wonder if it is akin to "numbing out" in all of its forms, because it merely draws your attention to something else so you don't have to spend time in the pain of this journey of grief and sorrow.  Eventually it comes back around and stares you in the face again and has to be felt.

Traditionally I am a classic "numb-out" person.  It may be comfort foods, it may be playing games endlessly on my computer, it may be watching too much tv or sleeping longer than I need to or even crocheting or shopping.  All of these have successfully helped me remain numb for years at a time.  I am trying to avoid these tactics so I can spend time working through my feelings of grief this time and move on to a healthier place.

Morin enjoying his time with Star.  He would spend hours with her every day.

Susie has been great at trying to be whatever I need her to be right now.  I don't know what I did to deserve her sweet spirit as my daughter.  She is nurturing yet also encourages me into healthier ways of being and of doing things, yet not forcefully.  She has always known how to do that with me and she never offends me while doing it.  In addition, she doesn't always come away from our interactions feeling a sense of accomplishment, because I am a pretty tough case.  I try to cooperate but also try to be true to what I feel I need at the moment.  Sometimes I clearly don't want to choose the wisest way.  Sometimes I want to stay where I am for a while, no matter how bad it is for me.  I will move on past that point in due time.  For those who love me and want to help it must be hard.  I agree with that.

My sweet, happy husband!

All I can do is wake up every day and try to get through that day as best I can and hope that the next day will be a little less painful.  Right now my pain and feeling of loss and sadness is still pretty overwhelming.  It has surprised even me, because I knew my husband would be dying in the near future.  I figured it was just a matter of time and that I would just accept it and go on living.  It hasn't worked out that way.  I miss him with every fiber of my being.  I want to still be sitting in our recliners side-by-side watching tv and holding hands.  I want to wake up in the middle of the night and find he is on the floor and needs help getting up.  I want to fix whatever sounds good to him to eat no matter what time it is.  I want him to wake me up at 2:30 in the morning and tell me he feels like going for a drive just to get out of the house.  I want to sit on our patio swing with him for hours on end just because he doesn't want to be cooped up like he was in prison.  I want to see him ride his bike even though he will end up on the ground, because it showed his desire to live life to the fullest.  He loved bike riding, so he kept trying.  I loved his spirit - it was indomitable.  I just loved him so much for all of his character traits and his desire to live life well and be a good person.  He was everything I ever hoped or dreamed he would be.  Thanks for the sweet memories my love.

Above is the swing we enjoyed sitting on and talking.  It was especially fun right at dusk.  This lower picture is some of Morin's favorite hats and fishing poles.  He LOVED fishing!