I Miss You Baby!

Morin Joseph Peterman Sr. 9-3-1960 to 4-13-2010

My husband - Morin Joseph Peterman Sr. - died April 13th 2010.  I am struggling daily to work through the grief I feel.  I have loved him since 1997.  We married in 1999.  Most of the years we were married, he was in prison.  I wrote him, visited him, talked to him on the phone as often as we were allowed.  We spent so much time and energy planning our future together - all the things we wanted to do together and with family.  We had quite a list.  As his prison term neared completion, his long-term illness of Hepatitis C began to ravage his body (as it always does) and he came close to death several times.  Our big fear was that he would never make it home to me alive.

Morin had betrayed my trust many times before going to prison and had hurt me deeply.  I even considered for a minute that I might leave him when he went back to prison.  To me 10.5 years (his sentence) felt like a lifetime.  I was also afraid I could never trust him again, so waiting seemed pointless.  Before I even had a chance to sleep on that thought I realized I wanted to be with him, prison or not.  I loved him for who he was, not who I thought he was or wanted him to be.  He loved me the same way.  It isn't easy to find that kind of love and I decided he was worth waiting for.  Over the prison years, he always promised he would do right by me when he was released.  "Baby, I'll give you at least 10 good years", he would say.  I really wanted to believe it.  I went through lots of stages of grieving while he was in prison; grieving over what might have been if he had just done what he promised, grieving that we were getting older every year and not able to do things while we still had our health, grieving that I couldn't have him with me at all those special moments life presents us with.  When he got so sick I knew most of our list was never going to be completed and I grieved about that.

Toward the last year or so of prison I truly came full circle and felt I could trust him again and wasn't worried about what would happen when he came home.  It felt good to think of him without those old nagging feelings of anxiety eating at me. The focus of our prayers became that he would come home alive and still able to do a few of the things we had on our list. 

The first vital organ to suffer from the ravages of Hep C was his kidneys..  He went on dialysis in 2007.  It was a very frightening and sobering experience for him.  Life-changing in so many ways.  It changed how he felt about himself, his life, his transgressions, God and our relationship.  He was humbled and ready to submit to God's will for him.  He had previously been uncomfortable talking about death and mortality - he was superstitious about it.  After he began dialysis and really faced death head-on, he was willing to have discussions about it.  He even brought it up himself during our visits.  He had such faith though.  He prayed, always and believed prayers would be answered. 

Somewhere along the way his heart also fell victim to the Hep C, as it became so enlarged (Congestive Heart Failure) that when his cardiologist put in a defibrillator it wouldn't function.  Another procedure had to be done.  They implanted a device called a Subcutaneous Array that straddled the heart across from the defibrillator and connected to it, so the heart could be shocked when needed..  His doctor said he had never seen a heart as enlarged as Morin's was.  Within 10 days of his defibrillator implant it saved his life 14 times in two hours one day.  It was a painful solution to his breathing problems and not being able to sleep and having no energy.  It took months for the swelling and tenderness to subside, but it did help him to feel better so we were glad he had it done.

Morin and I the day he got out of prison - July 24, 2009.  It was so good to have him back!

 

The only Christmas we got to have together and we had so much fun!

 

The wonderful balloons Morin got me for my birthday March 21 were still flying high when he died and beyond.  I will keep them as long as they are flying.

Morin with his cute little granddaughter (one of them)

I took these two pictures of Morin Sr. and Morin Jr. while they were clowning around in our kitchen.  Nice memory.

Morin's cousin Melinda with her new grandson

 

Many other side-effects of end-stage liver disease were present when he was released from prison in July 2009.  His medical problems were varied and constant and he suffered it all without complaint.  Our time together was wonderful, though a lot of it was spent in hospitals and emergency rooms.  Everything we did to manage his health was worth it, because we were finally together.  Toward the end of his life he fell many times.  Usually, I would help him up and life would continue as usual.  Then he got so weak I had to get help when he fell because he couldn't push with his legs and help.

Morin during one of his many hospital stays.  He is being visited by Joyce, wearing her dress for the Renaissance Festival.

Morin in the hospital.  No, he's not flipping me off, it just looks like it.  He was always smiling.

 

On April 11th Morin fell while walking in from the garage.  He hit his head on the cement curb hard enough to raise a big bump and cause a laceration. He refused to let me take him to the ER so I called paramedics to transport him and met them there.  He never came home. 

We started out at one hospital where they admitted him, did a CT scan and some blood work and decided his confusion was because of an elevated ammonia level (another side-effect of end-stage liver disease) and didn't repeat the CT scan until midnight of April 12th when he suffered a massive stroke in the hospital.  I was there with him, trying to sleep on the couch.  It was so scary to see him like that.  I saw all of our hopes and dreams die within the  next 18 hours as his life slipped quietly away.The last words he said were, "I love you baby."

After his stroke became evident, he was transported to a trauma hospital because apparently the hospital we were in was not a level one trauma center and not equipped for his condition to be managed.  He needed to be seen by a neurosurgeon as soon as possible.  At 6:00 am they repeated the CT scan and the bleeding in his brain had increased a lot.  By now he had been placed on a ventilator to assist his breathing.  He didn't get to see the neurosurgeon until 9:00 am.  By then it was clear that surgery was not going to help him.  The surgeon said that if he survived the surgery, his life would be spent as a vegetable - suffering from his disease processes, yet unable to tell anyone what he was feeling.  He would have lived only because of machines keeping him alive in some medical facility.  This was not what Morin wanted - living like that.  I knew it, but wanted him back.  It was such a sad experience, making the decision to just let him go peacefully and end his suffering.  I wanted to take him home and let him die there, but they couldn't transport him with the ventilator and he would have died in the ambulance without it.

So, with his loved ones in the room, the nurse turned off the ventilator at 6:25 pm on April 13th, 2010.  He never took a single breath on his own after that.  I felt like my whole world had just fallen apart.  My Sweetheart and Love of my Life was gone from this earth.  Suddenly, unexpectedly, gone.  We thought we had at least another year and that death would come gradually until one night he would mercifully die with me holding him and telling him how much I loved him.  Yes - just like me, he was forever the romantic.  Of course, Heavenly Father always knows better than we do.  No matter when Morin died I would have wished for more time with him.  This kind of death was a blessing for him, because he didn't have to suffer a lingering, painful death.

 

I know that in my mind and heart, but I miss him so much that I haven't been able to stop myself from going over and over it, trying to see how the outcome could have been different.  What if I had been with him in the garage that day?  Could I have seen the fall coming and steadied him?  What if I had insisted on further investigation of his confusion ie. more CT scans that first day?  What if his puppy Star hadn't been with him?  Did she actually cause him to fall?  Indeed, she was the one to summon help when he fell.  Did she first run   around his legs with her leash and trip him?  What if the paramedics had taken him to a level 1 trauma center in the first place?  I just can't keep the "what if's" out of my mind.

This is a picture of Morin with his Pit Bull puppy Star.  His son Morin Peterman Jr. gave her to him for Christmas.  He loved her and spent a lot of time with her in the yard and garage.

And then there are the things we never got to do.  Why not?  Why didn't we go to that free concert in the park even though he didn't feel good?  Why didn't we get our fishing licenses and go use our brand new fishing poles?  Why didn't we go to the park and race our remote control cars?  Why didn't we go to more movies?  Why did I cut out a pair of pajamas for him and never get them sewn so he could wear them?  He waited months for me to get them done and never complained that I hadn't.  Why?  Why was he so amazingly pleasant and loving every minute we were together?  Why didn't we ever have that BBQ we kept talking about? 

 I know a couple of answers.  He wanted to do a whole lot of things but didn't feel well enough to do them.  He was trying to make up to me for all the pain he had caused me in the past, so he seemed to think I could do no wrong.  He always thought I was better than I was.  I did love him more than I can even explain and I tried to show him every day, but I always felt like I was falling short of what my best was. 

 Who knows?  Our life together was fraught with medical issues and was stressful in that way - including me breaking my foot and being required not to bear weight on it for 14 weeks.  It was quite untimely.  I was at the hospital during one of his 8 admissions and I was just taking a step in the hospital corridor and when my foot came down I didn't twist it or trip or anything.  I heard a sound like a bat hitting a baseball and it was my foot breaking.  I screamed and grabbed the safety rail.  The tech got me a wheelchair and took me to the ER and after they casted it, I went back to Morin's room.  He never knew I was going through anything until I came wheeling into his room around 2:00 am..........

.

Anyway, after my Sweetheart died everything just kind of became a blur.  My mom came and stayed with me a few days.  She has such a "Mom Heart".  She is 83 years old and suffering failing health herself, but she wanted to be there for me in my time of need.  Then my youngest daughter Susie came with sweet little Gracee Ann and stayed a couple of weeks.  While Susie was there she made sure I ate and slept.  She made a wonderful scrapbook for the Memorial Service.  It is filled with wonderful pictures and memories of Morin.  All of my seven children came for the services.  They sang and my son Star gave a talk on the atonement.  The flowers were beautiful and there was a wonderful luncheon following that the sweet sisters from my ward and my previous ward prepared.  I felt so supported and loved by those who came and who donated money to help pay for the expenses.  Then after all that I had a week or so before there was a family reunion to go to in Snowflake, AZ.  There were a lot of people there and it was nice, but I felt like I was in a daze.

Cute picture of Gracee at a park in AZ April 2010

Sandy, Susie and Gracee Ann after lunch at Someburros with family.

Some of the beautiful flowers that were at the memorial service.

This is my daughter Stephanie and her husband David Adams with my sister Marilyn at the memorial service luncheon.  It was so great having them all there.

These are two of my sons - Steven and Slade at the luncheon.  Aren't they handsome?

In the background you can see my sister Beth and my brother Lincoln.  In the foreground left to right, my daughter Sandy, her son Cameron, my son Scotty and my ex husband Scott Hall.  It was so great to have them all there that day.

  This is Morin's son - Morin Peterman Jr.  On his left is Morin's cousin Melinda, on his right is Joyce, one of his son's friends and next to her is someone whose name I don't know.  I hope they enjoyed the services and the luncheon.

In this picture is my sister Tami, her daughter Lacey and my son Star.  I loved having my family there.  All of them.  It was wonderful.

This is my ex - Scott Hall with Sandy's cute youngest child, Jarom and his dad - Randy Stoker.  They were so great to Morin and I was glad to have them there.

This is Susie with her friend Emily at the services.  They have been friends since 5th grade.

After the memorial service, the family gathered at my home to sing songs and spend some time together.  These four pictures are from that gathering.

These next seven pictures were taken at the family reunion in Snowflake.

At some point, I made the decision to come to Utah for the summer.  Morin was supposed to fly up here with me on May 20th and we were going to stay for two weeks.  We were going to watch Gracee while Susie and Russ went on their first cruise.  It was going to be Morin's first ride on a plane.  He would have been so cute, looking down at the earth from up there.  It would have been one of the things on our list.  As turned out, Susie used the extra ticket to come and help me out after he died.

Aubrey -Scotty & Alethea's oldest with her pet hamster - "Hammy"

Scotty and Alethea's two boys at Jessie's second birthday party,

6-9-2010.  Jesse above and Ethan below. Cuties!

Gracee being cute, sporting her mom's colorful headband.

We had a really fun BBQ at Scottie's home Saturday.  Here are some pics from that day and a video if it works.

Schuyler taking Jesse for a little joy ride

Millie decides to help out

It's dessert time for Gracee and Susie.  A baby popsicle and a Mamma popsicle.

(The videos both failed to upload here.  Sorry.)

 

Coming here without Morin was very hard for me, because it caused so much sadness over him missing this opportunity.  I try to feel his presence and I talk to him about how cute something is or how beautiful the day is or anything I think would have been fun or interesting if he was here, but it just isn't the same as him being here.  I sometimes have a day or so when there isn't a wave of sadness or grief that washes over me, but most days it happens at least once or twice.  Sometimes I can't stop crying and sometimes I cry briefly. 

 Because Morin wasn't flying with me, I decided to drive to Utah.  I took these pictures as I was leaving Page, AZ because it was so pretty and I thought he would have enjoyed seeing it with me.

 Susie took me to the library so I could check out some books on grief.  I have been reading one called "But if Not - When Bad Things Threaten to Destroy Good People".  I think it is helping me, but unfortunately it just takes time to grieve.  There are no rules about how MUCH time, but I know from experience that you can't rush it or lessen it.  It is what it is and everyone grieves in their own way and at their own pace. 

In most ways it is good being here in Utah.  I have lots of loving family and positive things going on around me.  It has been hard though, because inside myself, I feel like I can't really work through my feelings when I am so far away from where my life with Morin took place.  That seems the simplest way to say what I am feeling.  I do miss the Arizona family too.  It is helpful talking with them about how I feel because they actually got to be around Morin and witness the wonderful change in him.  He helped build some important bridges in his brief time after prison.  Personal bridges of change and hope with family members.  He didn't even realize he was doing it.  He was just being himself. 

Morin and I after one of Jarom's football games.  What fun it was, having Morin with me that day!

As I continue with this blogging, I will hopefully be consistent in relating my progress and what my feelings are from day to day or if not daily then maybe weekly.  I hope that blogging will help me work through some of my emotions and heal in a more timely manner.  Feel free to leave your helpful comments.