tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-77653830163717727592024-03-07T20:40:51.762-08:00The Circle of LifeTales from my life as told not very creatively, by me.morinsqueenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01290680261578490610noreply@blogger.comBlogger10125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7765383016371772759.post-14629012369689252452011-04-13T06:52:00.000-07:002011-04-13T06:52:17.626-07:00One Year Already<div style="text-align: justify;">As the year anniversary approaches since Morin died, I find myself becoming a bit more sad and emotional. and am surprised that I haven't made more progress. I thought that by now I would have started to feel much better most of the time. In reality, I know I have improved a lot, but still feel sad more than I want to and I am unable to get to a point that I actually care about much of anything on a daily basis. I don't enjoy life as much as I used to and I still feel the need to avoid people a lot because I don't feel like socializing most of the time. Tonight I got to crying and couldn't sleep, so I thought maybe blogging would be helpful.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-zp2AWpV1ZN0/TaL2iGEz8SI/AAAAAAAAAlM/YUzKYtkfr6o/s1600/IMG_5035_0960.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" r6="true" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-zp2AWpV1ZN0/TaL2iGEz8SI/AAAAAAAAAlM/YUzKYtkfr6o/s320/IMG_5035_0960.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">One of the pictures Morin and I took December 2009. We were trying to get a good one for a Christmas card using a remote for our camera. Just thought it would be fun to include it here in memory of my sweetheart.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><div style="text-align: justify;"></div><div style="text-align: justify;">I spent a month in Utah, not three weeks. I had a lot of fun with family there. I spent a week in Bountiful with Scottie and his family, watched Gracee while Susie and Russ went to Las Vegas to watch BYU basketball, spent not near enough time with Star's family, had lots of fun game time with Susie and Russ and friends from their Ward, went bowling twice - once with Steve and his kids where I actually bowled and on my birthday we took Gracee bowling and I was a spectator. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-9uEnQ5OlQV0/TaL81-Dc5RI/AAAAAAAAAlU/asUJx7Ua3WI/s1600/IMG_0464.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" r6="true" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-9uEnQ5OlQV0/TaL81-Dc5RI/AAAAAAAAAlU/asUJx7Ua3WI/s320/IMG_0464.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Ethan wearing the cool glasses they have for kids at Wingers' Restaurant</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-jxJquQcT8ns/TaL9GP3zC7I/AAAAAAAAAlY/X5WRsTyzJJQ/s1600/IMG_0471.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" r6="true" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-jxJquQcT8ns/TaL9GP3zC7I/AAAAAAAAAlY/X5WRsTyzJJQ/s320/IMG_0471.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Scottie and family when we ate dinner at Wingers</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Uh9FjSgVAHU/TaL9X7gXPyI/AAAAAAAAAlc/QYzXjdDRvD0/s1600/IMG_0472.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" r6="true" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Uh9FjSgVAHU/TaL9X7gXPyI/AAAAAAAAAlc/QYzXjdDRvD0/s320/IMG_0472.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Me with Scottie's kids, Aubrey, Jesse and Ethan</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-0pakyfAaVPc/TaWVd8Wx64I/AAAAAAAAAnI/wjoUc9jSKNU/s1600/IMG_0496.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" r6="true" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-0pakyfAaVPc/TaWVd8Wx64I/AAAAAAAAAnI/wjoUc9jSKNU/s320/IMG_0496.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Steve and his kids on our bowling day. We sure had fun!</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-DbHj9ck1Kp4/TaWVyezFx7I/AAAAAAAAAnM/-dVKY7EJYlc/s1600/IMG_0490.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" r6="true" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-DbHj9ck1Kp4/TaWVyezFx7I/AAAAAAAAAnM/-dVKY7EJYlc/s320/IMG_0490.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Gracee had a blast dancing to the music while we bowled</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-t6cTSiInCEw/TaWWJxK8RUI/AAAAAAAAAnQ/ioSrdn2EIYE/s1600/IMG_0495.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" r6="true" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-t6cTSiInCEw/TaWWJxK8RUI/AAAAAAAAAnQ/ioSrdn2EIYE/s320/IMG_0495.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Steve and Susie - cute picture</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-_9ZLQAYfuc0/TaL8icssQMI/AAAAAAAAAlQ/zzpkCOUvaBM/s1600/IMG_0459.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" r6="true" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-_9ZLQAYfuc0/TaL8icssQMI/AAAAAAAAAlQ/zzpkCOUvaBM/s320/IMG_0459.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Aubrey with her piggy bank that she and I "Blinged Out"</td></tr>
</tbody></table></div><div style="text-align: justify;">That is certainly the nutshell version of the month I spent in Utah. I had a few emotional moments while I was there. Several times because I was missing Morin, but also I had some remarkable experiences. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">(1 )When Susie and a friend of hers sang "Did You Think to Pray" in Sacrament Meeting I felt Grandad Gillespie's presence so strongly that day. He loved to sing and I just felt him there enjoying seeing his great granddaughter singing one of Grandma's favorite hymns. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">(2) When Susie, Russ and I went to the temple to do sealings we sat in the celestial room for a short time before leaving. While sitting there, I had a strong wave of emotion and felt that it was Morin there with me. We had planned to attend a temple open house together. It was on our bucket list. He wanted to see what our temples are like inside. We had hoped for the one that opened last spring in the Gila Valley here in Arizona, but he didn't live long enough to go. When I felt his presence it surprised me because I figured that wouldn't happen until after I had his temple ordinances completed. It was a really special feeling and I hated to leave.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">(3) I also had some really strong emotions during my time with Gracee. It was the first time it occurred to me that my Grandmother must have suffered as much as I did when I had to leave her and move to California. It was the heartbreak of my young life. One day as I was playing with Gracee, I realized how hard it would be to go home and not be with her any more. Then my thoughts went to Grandma Gillespie. She was a mother figure to me for most of my first five years of life. We lived with her for much of those years and my mother worked so Grandma took care of me all day while my sisters were in school. I suddenly realized it must have been awful for her when we left. I haven't had nearly that much time with Gracee, but I got a glimpse into what Grandma went through. It made me appreciate and feel closer than ever to Grandma.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">The family threw a really fun and yummy birthday party for me at Scottie and Alethea's. Everyone came except Zach. He was at Youth Conference. Here are a few pictures from the party:</div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-0qP8hF5u_ng/TaWGNo2toRI/AAAAAAAAAls/VxgiHSzQQ7Q/s1600/DSC_0050.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" r6="true" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-0qP8hF5u_ng/TaWGNo2toRI/AAAAAAAAAls/VxgiHSzQQ7Q/s320/DSC_0050.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Me with Little Steven and Little Susie - Steve's kids</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-M4YBUn8FWxg/TaWGjgr_hjI/AAAAAAAAAlw/4plMn_bkNQs/s1600/DSC_0052.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" r6="true" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-M4YBUn8FWxg/TaWGjgr_hjI/AAAAAAAAAlw/4plMn_bkNQs/s320/DSC_0052.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Me with Abby and Stef Hall - Star's daughter and wife. I am holding a gift from them.</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-u4uJNjFHMok/TaWG_L6FemI/AAAAAAAAAl0/7-KDKsVZIDk/s1600/DSC_0060.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" r6="true" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-u4uJNjFHMok/TaWG_L6FemI/AAAAAAAAAl0/7-KDKsVZIDk/s320/DSC_0060.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Cute Jesse Hall, Scottie's youngest</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-76tFNm5Y30w/TaWHYBNYdaI/AAAAAAAAAl4/ss-L8H2iOH8/s1600/DSC_0067.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" r6="true" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-76tFNm5Y30w/TaWHYBNYdaI/AAAAAAAAAl4/ss-L8H2iOH8/s320/DSC_0067.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Ethan Hall with a rare huge smile, Scottie's second child</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Z3wtZOM3OMc/TaWHxNPN5GI/AAAAAAAAAl8/0KPDDud1gyQ/s1600/DSC_0075.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" r6="true" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Z3wtZOM3OMc/TaWHxNPN5GI/AAAAAAAAAl8/0KPDDud1gyQ/s320/DSC_0075.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Gracee having a blast on Jesse's ride-on toy (Susie's daughter)</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-z9T9RPUpYgI/TaWINAGIWJI/AAAAAAAAAmA/SoG8M2eeU_Q/s1600/DSC_0077.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" r6="true" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-z9T9RPUpYgI/TaWINAGIWJI/AAAAAAAAAmA/SoG8M2eeU_Q/s320/DSC_0077.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Jesse and Ethan having fun</td></tr>
</tbody></table>It brought me a lot of joy, seeing how much fun the kids were having. They all enjoyed each other so much that day. They always play well together and I just love it. Time spent with family is such a treasure.<br />
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On the day of my birthday - March 21, I was sad because last year I spent my birthday with Morin and I was missing him so much. Russ and Susie said I could do whatever I wanted to do that day. Russ took off of work so we could spend the day all together. So, we took Gracee bowling, ate lunch with Star and in the evening we ate at Star's and played games after. Here are some pictures from that dat:<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-8cHfO1watVA/TaWLrtBpckI/AAAAAAAAAmE/IPNgFU6feTY/s1600/DSC_0137.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" r6="true" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-8cHfO1watVA/TaWLrtBpckI/AAAAAAAAAmE/IPNgFU6feTY/s320/DSC_0137.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Susie and Gracee getting ready to bowl</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-wmAcLGCTAaI/TaWML3UdLeI/AAAAAAAAAmI/mMCQBJykKY4/s1600/DSC_0139.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" r6="true" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-wmAcLGCTAaI/TaWML3UdLeI/AAAAAAAAAmI/mMCQBJykKY4/s320/DSC_0139.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Gracee loves the camera!</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-GLaMsVEZpFY/TaWM40Lg7dI/AAAAAAAAAmM/cOH9LNtsg0o/s1600/DSC_0157.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" r6="true" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-GLaMsVEZpFY/TaWM40Lg7dI/AAAAAAAAAmM/cOH9LNtsg0o/s320/DSC_0157.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Getting ready to roll the ball down the dinosaur's back. She almost got a strike several times. Cute!</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-X2lk4f38BJY/TaWNZLqdhsI/AAAAAAAAAmQ/WhGr49QVuAo/s1600/DSC_0158.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" r6="true" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-X2lk4f38BJY/TaWNZLqdhsI/AAAAAAAAAmQ/WhGr49QVuAo/s320/DSC_0158.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Gracee loved it when her ball hit the pins</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The bowling was a hit but Gracee eventually had enough. Nap time!</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I forgot to mention Sus and I got pedicures during Gracee's nap. Fun!</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-jW3Lu_zkv-0/TaWR-1uBrnI/AAAAAAAAAms/F9m7hvofjVg/s1600/DSC_0207.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" r6="true" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-jW3Lu_zkv-0/TaWR-1uBrnI/AAAAAAAAAms/F9m7hvofjVg/s320/DSC_0207.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Star getting ready to serve my yummy birthday dessert - Ice cream pie. Two kinds!</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-p2P7yWGW840/TaWSfaUAEaI/AAAAAAAAAmw/z5G5TD9m6IE/s1600/DSC_0209.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" r6="true" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-p2P7yWGW840/TaWSfaUAEaI/AAAAAAAAAmw/z5G5TD9m6IE/s320/DSC_0209.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Cute Sammy made sure there was a large variety of game choices. He went to a lot of work!</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-igzqGyplI64/TaWS-pj0GkI/AAAAAAAAAm0/yMi4n_2gX3M/s1600/DSC_0212.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" r6="true" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-igzqGyplI64/TaWS-pj0GkI/AAAAAAAAAm0/yMi4n_2gX3M/s320/DSC_0212.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Millie loves to carry Gracee around</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-BKVX-WsTzuI/TaWTildiodI/AAAAAAAAAm4/8artUsefWc0/s1600/DSC_0223.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" r6="true" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-BKVX-WsTzuI/TaWTildiodI/AAAAAAAAAm4/8artUsefWc0/s320/DSC_0223.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Gracee dancing for us - she loves to dance!</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-5ycWsEs9EKg/TaWUGFoeBlI/AAAAAAAAAm8/eX4PwdmNLG4/s1600/DSC_0227.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" r6="true" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-5ycWsEs9EKg/TaWUGFoeBlI/AAAAAAAAAm8/eX4PwdmNLG4/s320/DSC_0227.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Playing games at Star's</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-aEw9FeGOZDQ/TaWUjEYpk6I/AAAAAAAAAnA/GWcGwPjF8qk/s1600/DSC_0228.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" r6="true" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-aEw9FeGOZDQ/TaWUjEYpk6I/AAAAAAAAAnA/GWcGwPjF8qk/s320/DSC_0228.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Abby and I snuggling under the blanket they got from Aunt Sandy -Abbs's favorite</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-aoslDy-9hXE/TaWU8f25FTI/AAAAAAAAAnE/SYogYJQnh2c/s1600/DSC_0229.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" r6="true" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-aoslDy-9hXE/TaWU8f25FTI/AAAAAAAAAnE/SYogYJQnh2c/s320/DSC_0229.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Millie and Sus <br />
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<div style="text-align: justify;">When I grieve it seems I have to find something to escape with. This last year has been filled with all sorts of things to take my mind off my feelings of sadness and loneliness. I don't know if that's the right way to do it or not, but what I am hoping is that time will help. Obviously I need more than a year since I still experience a lot of grief on a daily basis. It seems I feel the need to try and act normal because I know other people probably think I am or should be fine by now. Sometimes I can and other times I cannot pull it off. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">(April 13, 2011)</div><div style="text-align: justify;">I had planned to invite all of Morin's family that live in AZ and any of mine that wanted to come - over tonight to reminisce on the year anniversary of Morin's death. I was going to make a big dinner and make a nice time of it. However, I am unable to pull it off. I'm just not up for it. So instead, Jaysin and I are going to just go to an early dinner and reminisce and I will have everyone over soon for the big get-together. My thinking feels pretty disorganized about what I should be doing or feeling right now, so I am just taking one day at a time and trying to be as productive as possible. Lately I have been doing some crocheted easter eggs. I don't know why - probably because it's something new I can do to keep my hands and mind busy. Here is a couple of pictures of my eggs;</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-jdxfJdtXKj4/TaWc-nWyxwI/AAAAAAAAAnU/FwslcCp3mio/s1600/IMG_0500.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" r6="true" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-jdxfJdtXKj4/TaWc-nWyxwI/AAAAAAAAAnU/FwslcCp3mio/s320/IMG_0500.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-f-jmmjdRTz8/TaWmWUyLZ0I/AAAAAAAAAng/ow8zrr0IqZ4/s1600/IMG_0506.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" r6="true" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-f-jmmjdRTz8/TaWmWUyLZ0I/AAAAAAAAAng/ow8zrr0IqZ4/s320/IMG_0506.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-BcxjrQ40yqE/TaWmp0BPDFI/AAAAAAAAAnk/in092xgBn_E/s1600/IMG_0505.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" r6="true" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-BcxjrQ40yqE/TaWmp0BPDFI/AAAAAAAAAnk/in092xgBn_E/s320/IMG_0505.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Og4D6ljRi3k/TaWoKHdGaGI/AAAAAAAAAns/hyQS9fFjh6Q/s1600/IMG_0499.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" r6="true" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Og4D6ljRi3k/TaWoKHdGaGI/AAAAAAAAAns/hyQS9fFjh6Q/s320/IMG_0499.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Last Saturday Steph came down with some of her Anatomy and Physiology classmates and we went to see Body World at the Arizona Science Center. She surprised me with this new short hair. I really like it.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><div style="text-align: center;"></div><div style="text-align: justify;">Okay, I know this is another really long blog. I wish I knew how to do shorter ones. I hope you all will still take time to read it so my time has not been wasted. Until my next blog........</div><div style="text-align: center;"></div>morinsqueenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01290680261578490610noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7765383016371772759.post-84273717236147512442011-02-02T03:14:00.000-08:002011-02-02T03:14:45.934-08:00Time Marches On.....<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">I have kept as busy as possible since my last blog post. I came home from Snowflake determined to make the costumes requested by Steph's little boys. I spent every minute until I went back - around October 24th or so - working on costumes. I finished up Noah's Link costume, made a Ghilly suit for Forest (never again), a Michael Jackson costume for Joey and a Caillou costume for Little Slade. They were so cute and loved them so much! It gave me something to focus on other than my grief. Good, but not really, because sooner or later I have to feel the depth of my grief for long enough to work through it and move on. Running from it or hiding from it or numbing out won't change a thing, although those could all be harmful. If grief is held inside and not worked through it can show up in unhealthy ways for a much longer period of time than otherwise. I have learned that much. Here are some cute pictures from that visit:</span></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; text-align: justify;"><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TOyYoFcYDOI/AAAAAAAAAcQ/ZKJUJjUnqQQ/s1600/IMG_0316_0030.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><img border="0" height="320" s5="true" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TOyYoFcYDOI/AAAAAAAAAcQ/ZKJUJjUnqQQ/s320/IMG_0316_0030.jpg" width="240" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;">Forest in his Ghilly suit. It was very time consuming to make, but he loved it so much. I was glad I made it.</span></td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TOyhJqCcesI/AAAAAAAAAcY/gJOfWoBUyqY/s1600/IMG_0315_0031.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><img border="0" height="320" s5="true" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TOyhJqCcesI/AAAAAAAAAcY/gJOfWoBUyqY/s320/IMG_0315_0031.jpg" width="240" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;">Little Slade as Caillou. What a cutie he is!</span></td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TOyrcNrTDBI/AAAAAAAAAdU/aJDxXLkOZeE/s1600/IMG_0318_0028.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><img border="0" height="320" s5="true" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TOyrcNrTDBI/AAAAAAAAAdU/aJDxXLkOZeE/s320/IMG_0318_0028.jpg" width="240" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;">Joey - or should I say Michael Jackson? I made the arm band thing and searched long and hard for the white v-neck t-shirt, hat and wig (not to mention the sunglasses). He enjoyed it a lot. He still wears the hat sometimes.</span></td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TOyry5vflJI/AAAAAAAAAdc/5y_oqYcl95k/s1600/IMG_0321_0025.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><img border="0" height="320" s5="true" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TOyry5vflJI/AAAAAAAAAdc/5y_oqYcl95k/s320/IMG_0321_0025.jpg" width="240" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;">This was initially the only costume I intended to make, but once I got started I caught the vision of what they wanted and was off and running. It turned out great in the end. Sadly, the hat got lost at a Halloween party.</span></td></tr>
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</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TOysA3pWftI/AAAAAAAAAdk/lFDyETG9szo/s1600/IMG_5715_0463.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><img border="0" height="213" s5="true" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TOysA3pWftI/AAAAAAAAAdk/lFDyETG9szo/s320/IMG_5715_0463.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">This picture was taken when we went to the pumpkin patch. Steph let them each choose a pumpkin as big as they could carry. Noah wanted the biggest pumpkin and tried so hard to carry it, but alas, he had to settle for a smaller one. The next few pictures are of the day at the patch and the carving of the jack-o-lanterns the next night. I was impressed because they did the carving all on their own! They have been taught well in the art of jack-o-lantern carving.</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TOysccCDt0I/AAAAAAAAAd0/QF7GcmI8eEs/s1600/IMG_5726_0455.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><img border="0" height="213" s5="true" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TOysccCDt0I/AAAAAAAAAd0/QF7GcmI8eEs/s320/IMG_5726_0455.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TOytYHKFo5I/AAAAAAAAAec/AgLyLK9OouM/s1600/IMG_5762_0437.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><img border="0" height="213" s5="true" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TOytYHKFo5I/AAAAAAAAAec/AgLyLK9OouM/s320/IMG_5762_0437.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TOyspyMnCSI/AAAAAAAAAd8/i7vz3Mg4ZhM/s1600/IMG_0329_0019.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><img border="0" height="214" s5="true" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TOyspyMnCSI/AAAAAAAAAd8/i7vz3Mg4ZhM/s320/IMG_0329_0019.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TOytquN3u3I/AAAAAAAAAek/3UxWJST6vG0/s1600/IMG_5773_0426.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><img border="0" height="213" s5="true" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TOytquN3u3I/AAAAAAAAAek/3UxWJST6vG0/s320/IMG_5773_0426.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TOyu6elqAqI/AAAAAAAAAfE/wgEWwsEvoEg/s1600/IMG_5775_0424.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><img border="0" height="213" s5="true" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TOyu6elqAqI/AAAAAAAAAfE/wgEWwsEvoEg/s320/IMG_5775_0424.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TOyu6mtgSYI/AAAAAAAAAfM/8F4NC92RTDY/s1600/IMG_5776_0423.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><img border="0" height="213" s5="true" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TOyu6mtgSYI/AAAAAAAAAfM/8F4NC92RTDY/s320/IMG_5776_0423.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TOyu7JuZICI/AAAAAAAAAfU/nTD_ylF3r-8/s1600/IMG_5777_0422.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><img border="0" height="213" s5="true" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TOyu7JuZICI/AAAAAAAAAfU/nTD_ylF3r-8/s320/IMG_5777_0422.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TOyvcTn07TI/AAAAAAAAAfs/egoX5XUu3HU/s1600/IMG_5781_0418.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><img border="0" height="213" s5="true" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TOyvcTn07TI/AAAAAAAAAfs/egoX5XUu3HU/s320/IMG_5781_0418.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">So, Halloween was fun. Steph and David both had deer tags so they were hunting that week. I was there to keep things going at home and they came home to sleep each night, so I wasn't totally on my own with the boys. It was a lot of fun but I was glad to get home. I do enjoy having my own space.</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Georgia;">A few days after I got home it was Cameron's 20th birthday. He asked Sandy for a dragon cake, which led us on an internet search for how to make one. It was a joint effort and we spent easily a whole day making it. Here are a few pictures of that cake and Cam's party.</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TUkuvvESwYI/AAAAAAAAAkA/FbYLw5lH31M/s1600/IMG_0353.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" s5="true" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TUkuvvESwYI/AAAAAAAAAkA/FbYLw5lH31M/s320/IMG_0353.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TUkvDAqoJXI/AAAAAAAAAkE/vHC5jIGgido/s1600/IMG_0356.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" s5="true" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TUkvDAqoJXI/AAAAAAAAAkE/vHC5jIGgido/s320/IMG_0356.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TUkvV4wT-_I/AAAAAAAAAkI/xPdwZoBYI0E/s1600/IMG_0354.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" s5="true" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TUkvV4wT-_I/AAAAAAAAAkI/xPdwZoBYI0E/s320/IMG_0354.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TUkvhPmp9sI/AAAAAAAAAkM/cggZyyyfS60/s1600/IMG_0370.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" s5="true" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TUkvhPmp9sI/AAAAAAAAAkM/cggZyyyfS60/s320/IMG_0370.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"> Cameron with his daughter, Joselyn, Cute!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TUkvuNg90oI/AAAAAAAAAkQ/E1iz6AhyKIc/s1600/IMG_0369.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" s5="true" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TUkvuNg90oI/AAAAAAAAAkQ/E1iz6AhyKIc/s320/IMG_0369.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"> Keir and Ellanie</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TUkwBk5TdEI/AAAAAAAAAkU/_p5wvSXuzss/s1600/IMG_0366.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" s5="true" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TUkwBk5TdEI/AAAAAAAAAkU/_p5wvSXuzss/s320/IMG_0366.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"> Cam's friends. Wow! I lost count.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TUkwR8xErhI/AAAAAAAAAkY/jGcObHffVUs/s1600/IMG_0371.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" s5="true" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TUkwR8xErhI/AAAAAAAAAkY/jGcObHffVUs/s320/IMG_0371.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"> Slaying the Dragon :-)</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TUkwbEA_UCI/AAAAAAAAAkc/yD3EcIMLzGM/s1600/IMG_0374.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" s5="true" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TUkwbEA_UCI/AAAAAAAAAkc/yD3EcIMLzGM/s320/IMG_0374.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;">Cam and Ell</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Once I was home and the activities wound down, the reality of Morin being gone hit me hard again. It's hard to think of anything else when I am here at home by myself. Then Susie called and told me the news that she and Russ and Gracee were going to come for Christmas. I had been dreading Christmas without Morin. I had already decided not to decorate or put up a tree this year. I wasn't sure what I was going to do other than that. I was so pumped for them to come! It changed everything! </span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Georgia;">I started thinking Christmas ideas right away - what to have for meals, how much decorating to do, what gifts to make or buy etc. This provided me with a lot of opportunity to focus again, outside the grief issues. I had the spare bedroom to transform from a storage area to a guest room, decorating to do, shopping for food and what gifts I could afford. Most time consuming of all - I thought of some sewing projects for Christmas. I spent a lot of time on all these tasks and managed to get done just in time for their arrival on Christmas Eve. </span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TUkKSXqUR-I/AAAAAAAAAik/oWG711pkY4E/s1600/IMG_0434.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" s5="true" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TUkKSXqUR-I/AAAAAAAAAik/oWG711pkY4E/s320/IMG_0434.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;">Russ, Gracee and Susie ready for Christmas Caroling</span></td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TUkKgFENp-I/AAAAAAAAAio/ulUEHsOcpmY/s1600/IMG_0432.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" s5="true" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TUkKgFENp-I/AAAAAAAAAio/ulUEHsOcpmY/s320/IMG_0432.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;">Silly Jarom, Randy and Joselyn ready to go Caroling</span></td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TUkLByC-DQI/AAAAAAAAAis/APw_l8YhHfg/s1600/IMG_0436.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" s5="true" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TUkLByC-DQI/AAAAAAAAAis/APw_l8YhHfg/s320/IMG_0436.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;">Gracee busily opening gifts - note the cute apron I made for her :-) and Uncle Slade handing out gifts.</span></td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TUkLQ1Mow-I/AAAAAAAAAiw/s8bDF0NgH3I/s1600/IMG_0440.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" s5="true" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TUkLQ1Mow-I/AAAAAAAAAiw/s8bDF0NgH3I/s320/IMG_0440.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;">Gracee modeling the tutu Susie made and her Dora hat. Cute!</span></td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TUkLyIFwNfI/AAAAAAAAAi0/rMq0VXE3EUQ/s1600/IMG_0443.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" s5="true" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TUkLyIFwNfI/AAAAAAAAAi0/rMq0VXE3EUQ/s320/IMG_0443.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">The Hannig's on Christmas morning</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table><div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Georgia;">It was so great! We had Slade and the Stokers come over for Christmas eve with us and again on Christmas day when we had a nice turkey dinner. We had a game night while they were here too. Of course, Christmas morning was so much more fun with Gracee here. There were all sorts of things to stay busy with during their week here. </span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Georgia;">We had a fun lunch at Mattas and took a few pictures there. Then when we had game night, Bri slept over and we all did our nails. </span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TUkqZ0v32pI/AAAAAAAAAj0/S_9wux6uq5k/s1600/DSC_0030.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" s5="true" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TUkqZ0v32pI/AAAAAAAAAj0/S_9wux6uq5k/s320/DSC_0030.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"> Susie and Russ with Becka and Brad</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TUksZkf8VsI/AAAAAAAAAj4/Ygij0KqSL1Y/s1600/DSC_0040.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" s5="true" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TUksZkf8VsI/AAAAAAAAAj4/Ygij0KqSL1Y/s320/DSC_0040.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"> Sandy and Randy and Marilyn holding Wyatt I think.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TUktDgVGazI/AAAAAAAAAj8/rEXgmpZ8n3I/s1600/DSC_0038.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" s5="true" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TUktDgVGazI/AAAAAAAAAj8/rEXgmpZ8n3I/s320/DSC_0038.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"> Cameron, Jarom and Sandy</div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TUkV2wI30BI/AAAAAAAAAjM/e3cN0HMqbg8/s1600/DSC_0049.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" s5="true" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TUkV2wI30BI/AAAAAAAAAjM/e3cN0HMqbg8/s320/DSC_0049.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;">The above pictures were taken at the Mattas luncheon</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TUkQ2_Va-KI/AAAAAAAAAi8/RpyWj7BwrPc/s1600/DSC_0022.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" s5="true" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TUkQ2_Va-KI/AAAAAAAAAi8/RpyWj7BwrPc/s320/DSC_0022.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"> Bri and Gracee at game night</div><div align="center" class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TUkU3LTJU7I/AAAAAAAAAjE/SNuDTWTpjVw/s1600/DSC_0025.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" s5="true" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TUkU3LTJU7I/AAAAAAAAAjE/SNuDTWTpjVw/s320/DSC_0025.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;">Bri, Gracee and Jarom </div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TUkVXs0WpKI/AAAAAAAAAjI/NbDsOjohpvs/s1600/DSC_0028.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" s5="true" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TUkVXs0WpKI/AAAAAAAAAjI/NbDsOjohpvs/s320/DSC_0028.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;">The above three pics were taken on game night</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table><div style="text-align: justify;"> <span style="font-family: Georgia;">Then there was a New Year's Eve family event planned by Scott for the kids to all get together with him and Diane in Pinetop at a resort up there.</span><span style="font-family: Georgia;">The plan was for me to drive my car so Slade would have a way there and back and so I could </span><span style="font-family: Georgia;">see the Utah family while they were here. We planned to go early so I could have time with them before it actually started. However, the weather turned awful and all the roads were closed when we were planning to go. I was going to spend the weekend at Steph and David's home in Snowflake, spend time with the Utah family as planned and then drive back down with Slade on the 2nd or 3rd.</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Georgia;">We finally managed to get up there on New Year's eve after it was already dark and the roads were so awful I had to stay in Pinetop and feel like a party crasher. Nevertheless, it was fun being there with the family. We played lots of games and had some group meals. It was freezing cold - below zero cold and there was sheets of ice everywhere, but it was fun. </span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TUkW6Y4_yeI/AAAAAAAAAjQ/GvKFA2G2YtE/s1600/DSC_0188.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" s5="true" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TUkW6Y4_yeI/AAAAAAAAAjQ/GvKFA2G2YtE/s320/DSC_0188.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;">I really like this cute picture of Scottie and his family</span></td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TUkcrlhwgNI/AAAAAAAAAjU/VOIh07ReXPo/s1600/DSC_0186.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" s5="true" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TUkcrlhwgNI/AAAAAAAAAjU/VOIh07ReXPo/s320/DSC_0186.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;">Nice one of Susie and Sandy at the resort</span></td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TUkfAosrvLI/AAAAAAAAAjY/Aj4S3U5FTn4/s1600/DSC_0170.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" s5="true" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TUkfAosrvLI/AAAAAAAAAjY/Aj4S3U5FTn4/s320/DSC_0170.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;">Forest, Susie, Gracee, Jarom and Joey at the resort</span></td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TUkfayAlmbI/AAAAAAAAAjc/nXQCQtZp4lg/s1600/DSC_0154.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" s5="true" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TUkfayAlmbI/AAAAAAAAAjc/nXQCQtZp4lg/s320/DSC_0154.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small;">Great picture of David, Gracee and snow in flight</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TUkf08cntuI/AAAAAAAAAjg/_XgJ-ppp2vs/s1600/DSC_0146.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" s5="true" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TUkf08cntuI/AAAAAAAAAjg/_XgJ-ppp2vs/s320/DSC_0146.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;">Gracee with Aunt Steph, playing in the snow. Cute.</span></td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TUkgJiourmI/AAAAAAAAAjk/9aM62JPwc_M/s1600/DSC_0195.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" s5="true" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TUkgJiourmI/AAAAAAAAAjk/9aM62JPwc_M/s320/DSC_0195.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;">Most of the clan. Minus Cam and Slade who were missing in action for this pic</span></td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TUkgtjFqJ5I/AAAAAAAAAjo/xWL8XMPHwPM/s1600/DSC_0150.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" s5="true" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TUkgtjFqJ5I/AAAAAAAAAjo/xWL8XMPHwPM/s320/DSC_0150.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Really cute of Noah and Slade</span></td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TUkn-I3WJPI/AAAAAAAAAjw/owYFjudM5B8/s1600/DSC_0218.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" s5="true" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TUkn-I3WJPI/AAAAAAAAAjw/owYFjudM5B8/s320/DSC_0218.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;">I'm not sure if these guys are finishing up a snowball fight or what. It was one of the few pics of Cameron at the resort, so I wanted to include it.</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table> <div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Georgia;">Since I returned home I have struggled a lot. I think I went over a week without leaving home or getting dressed except for Church on Sunday. I have been much more tired than usual, sleeping either way more than necessary or staying up all night because I can't sleep. I have - for the first time probably ever - been existing in a continual black pit for long periods of time. I don't really know how else to describe it. I have felt completely powerless and helpless to change it. It scared me and I managed to pull myself together and go to a grief group on the 17th of January. It is on the first and third Tuesday of each month. It was a big group - almost 20 people shared that night. I cried all the way through because each person's story overlapped part of what I was feeling. I shared a bit of mine (I was next to last) and then I cried all the way home. I think I needed to do some solid crying, so that was actually a good thing. I came home and wrote in my journal and felt better. </span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Georgia;">I have entered the pit and also climbed out several times in the last two weeks, but overall I think I have seen improvement. I am eating more healthy foods and forcing myself to get dressed every day. I have been spending a little bit of time each day sitting on the swing Morin and I used to sit on together. It is on the patio in the sun, so I just go out there where the sun is shining and it's nice and quiet and sit there trying to feel his presence. If nothing else, the sunshine should help lift my mood.</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Georgia;">That's about it for now. I will be going to Utah on the 23rd of February. I'll be there three weeks. Hopefully I will make a bit of progress before I blog next.</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div>morinsqueenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01290680261578490610noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7765383016371772759.post-72895955294963931762010-10-17T00:53:00.000-07:002010-10-18T04:15:05.452-07:00The Tears and Triumphs<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">Here I am, six months, three days, two hours and 45 minutes after losing my Sweetheart, Morin. I was sitting here listening to music on TV - Sirius Love Songs. It was Morin's favorite music channel and we slept with it on when we had to sleep in our recliners because he couldn't sleep laying down. The songs are the same and it reminded me of him. If one of his favorites came on he would burst into song - in the dead of night or whenever. I loved that about him. Of course, I don't think he did that around everyone. It was a side of him that was so sweet and joyful. I miss that.</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"> Since I have been laptop-less, the blogging has gone by the wayside. But not the ongoing grief and daily struggles of life alone. Gratefully, I have found many distractions and activities to take my mind off of the sadness that tries to engulf me every minute.</span></div><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">While I was still in Utah, there was always something keeping me busy. There were lots of birthdays and activities. Schuyler Max had turned two just before I went up there. In June there was Alethea and Jesse. In July Star and Millie. In August Scottie, Steve, Sam and Abbie. I missed Steve's because I left on the 9th of August. That next weekend I went up to Snowflake for Steph and Noah's birthdays and went up again on September 11th for Noah's baptism. While I was still in Utah there was a visit from Steph, David and their sweet family, which I seem to have no pictures of on my computer. It was great fun having them there, though. </span></div><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">Bountiful, Utah Temple under the full moon</span></td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">Millies's Happy Birthday "Diva Day"</span></td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">Gracee Jammin' on I-tunes</span></td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">Schuyler Max helping in the kitchen</span></td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">Zach and Abby making cookies</span></td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">Abby making cookies with Sammy looking on. Abb's loves making and sharing treats. She is a great hostess!</span></td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">Abby's pedicure by me</span></td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">Scottie's beautiful and yummy birthday cake - sorry I couldn't get it to flip.</span></td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">Yummy enchilada dinner at Susie's the last day I was in Utah. We had it on Abby's birthday - double fun!</span></td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">Thanks to Sandy and Facebook, was able to reconnect with my friend from Tempe - Barbara Marshall. Hadn't seen each other but once in 30 years</span></td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">Noah - the Cutest 'Link' there ever was! I made this costume between my first and second visit to Snowflake after returning to AZ. It was his birthday wish!</span></td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">Jarom and I with 'Flat Noah' after Jarom's fall concert</span></td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">Noah's Baptism day. I spoke on the Holy Ghost. It was an honor.</span></td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">Christian, me, silly Slade and Bri at game night on Bri's birthday! Fun! Aunt Susie called her during our party to wish her a happy birthday too! And we remembered to include Flat Noah!</span></td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">The Fishes singing at Noah's baptism. They sang "Families can be Together Forever"</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">I had several more pictures to add but they won't upload for some reason. I've had some other things going on. For example, dental work (always fun) doctor visits, I spoke in Sacrament meeting a few weeks ago. The same day as game night I went to a game of Jarom's in Scottsdale and had a chance to visit with Bill and Michael Hall. That was nice. We all went to lunch at Ajo Al's afterward. I tried to upload the picture but lost it somehow.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;"> I have just finished a costume for Forest. Maybe I can blog about it once he tries it on and I have a picture. I will never make another, so don't anyone get any bright ideas about that. I am not exaggerating when I say it took well over a hundred hours to make. Look up Ghilly Suit online and imagine making it when you aren't yourself and can't think well in a problem-solving way. Yeah. That's where I am :-)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">I have been to a few grief groups at Morin's hospice. The problem with that is this: there is no group. It is just the Pastor and I and he isn't LDS, so we can't communicate very congruently about the eternal perspective. I am looking for other free groups that might be available nearby.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;"><u>To sum up how I am doing: </u></span><br />
<ul><li><div align="left"><span style="font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">I still have some tears every day. I am not real clear-thinking all the time. </span></div></li>
<li><div align="left"><span style="font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">I am currently working on a challenge we were given to complete the Book of Mormon by the end of the year. I am about 35 pages behind where I need to be, but will catch up. </span></div></li>
<li><div align="left"><span style="font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">I feel like I should be reaching out more for human contact, so I know I should, but am unable to make myself do it just yet. </span></div></li>
<li><div align="left"><span style="font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">I am sort of in a cocoon right now. </span></div></li>
<li><div align="left"><span style="font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">I have done some things, like going to Jarom's football games and having family over to play etc. </span></div></li>
<li><div align="left"><span style="font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;"> I even watched conference with one of my neighbors who has been a widow for eight years or so. She is a very sweet 'master quilter' about 80 years old. </span></div></li>
<li><div align="left"><span style="font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;"> Oh- yeah, I also went to dinner with a friend from my ward who is a widow but five years or so younger than me. She was the one person from the ward that really spent time getting to know Morin. He liked her and was able to open up to her pretty well - an unusual thing for him to do. It gives me someone to talk to about him. </span></div></li>
<li><div align="left"><span style="font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">I seem to feel better when I can reminisce with someone who knew him and share stories. Jaysin and I did that the other day. It was nice. </span></div></li>
<li><div align="left"><span style="font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">I am just taking things a day at a time right now. </span></div></li>
</ul><div align="justify"><span style="font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">I was very upset and emotional when the little girl "Maddie" from Susie's ward was hit by a car and killed recently. It felt like a new loss for me, but I also know her mom (she lost her husband five years ago) and I was grieving for what she must be going through. Losing a child seems like it would be the hardest of all. </span></div><div align="justify"><span style="font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">Hopefully time will heal this along with the Gift of the Holy Ghost. I have prayed for and received much comfort through this most precious gift from Heavenly Father. </span></div></td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">Ahhh! Sweet Success. Here is the picture taken at Ajo Al's.</span></td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">A really sweet picture of Scotty with his kids, taken on his birthday</span></td></tr>
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<div align="center"></div>morinsqueenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01290680261578490610noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7765383016371772759.post-7788644271339559302010-07-13T13:19:00.000-07:002010-08-04T23:40:35.867-07:00Unexpected Emotions<div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">July 9, 2010</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Susie and Russ are in Vermont on a trip with the Jennie Phillips choir. They have been part of the choir for 4 or 5 years. It's a great opportunity for them to visit some church history spots and they will be going to the Hill Cumorrah Pageant while there. This puts Gracee and I together again for five days. Susie organized some helpers for me this time, because I told her it would be better for me if I could have some breaks. Each day a friend or family member takes her for a few hours. Today it was Russ's sister Jennifer. I decided to run some errands during the time she was at Jen's. </span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Everything was going fine. In fact, when Susie had called me today I told her I was doing well and I thought I was "numb" today, because no major emotions were going on. Then, as I drove up at the Winco parking lot, a wave of sadness and grief took over suddenly and unexpectedly. I began to sob and for a few minutes could do nothing but cry. As I tried to figure out what happened, I decided it was because Morin and I always went shopping together. Today was actually the first time I went shopping by myself since he died. Usually I have Gracee or both Susie and Gracee with me. I shopped for many years solo, but after shopping with Morin for a few months being alone feels strange and sad.</span> </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">July 11, 2010</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Today Gracee and I were invited to my son Star's home for dinner. After dinner, Stef (his wife, my wonderful daughter-in-law) sat down beside me and we had a nice long talk about grief. She is no stranger to it herself. Probably her most painful encounter with grief was eight years ago when she gave birth to Louisa Grace Hall. She lived only a couple of hours. </span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">At the time, I did what is commonly done: I didn't reach out much because I didn't know what to say. Now that I am tasting of the bitter cup of grief, I wish I could turn back the clock and reach out to her with the same love and understanding she has offered me. Since that is not possible, I hope that in the future I will not miss an opportunity to help others in any way I can.</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Verdana;">Stef describes grief (even after 8 years) as bubbles that just sort of float around us, waiting to be popped. When one pops it feels as though you are drowning. That is a great analogy of what I felt the other day as I drove up at Winco. I still experience small 'bubble pops' regularly - every day several times. I have mercifully not had a crying spell that wouldn't stop in a week or so, but those large and small bubbles are pretty thick around me, just waiting to pop with no warning.</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Grief is such an individual process. No two people will experience it quite the same, nor will they react to it alike, and yet everyone that goes through loss and grief will come out of it changed forever. In the books I have been reading by Joyce and Dennis Ashton there are a couple of quotes that give me reason to hope for better times.</span></div><ol><li><span style="color: purple; font-family: Verdana;"><strong><em>"Our struggles and experiences become part of us and forever change how we look at the world and ourselves. We will likely never be the same again; however, we can find joy, meaning and a "new normal" as we do our grief work."</em></strong></span></li>
<li><span style="color: purple; font-family: Verdana;"><strong><em>"Most of us can and will adapt to loss and life's challenges as we discover our "new normal." Our spirits can come to the realization that we will find lasting peace and that "joy cometh in the morning"(Psalm 30:5)."</em></strong></span></li>
</ol><div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Verdana;">Meanwhile, life goes on around me as if nothing has happened to change the world. Snow falls (as it did here on May 24), flowers bloom, babies are born and grow into delightful little people, the sun comes up every day and the moon and stars at night. All of these things delight me, yet the next minute a bubble can still pop..........</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TDzHv-jGcXI/AAAAAAAAAXQ/OswsPp1i_HA/s1600/203.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TDzHv-jGcXI/AAAAAAAAAXQ/OswsPp1i_HA/s320/203.JPG" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;">Orem, UT May 24, 2010</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TDzINAleYtI/AAAAAAAAAXY/1ojgPyqIUYk/s1600/388.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TDzINAleYtI/AAAAAAAAAXY/1ojgPyqIUYk/s320/388.JPG" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;">Flowers in Susie's Front Yard</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TDzIiFHgC5I/AAAAAAAAAXg/C-x8BuOQh6I/s1600/190.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TDzIiFHgC5I/AAAAAAAAAXg/C-x8BuOQh6I/s320/190.JPG" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;">Full Moon from my front yard in Gilbert, March 2010</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TDzJJu4IWJI/AAAAAAAAAXo/WHP-BF1dFkA/s1600/IMG_1951.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TDzJJu4IWJI/AAAAAAAAAXo/WHP-BF1dFkA/s320/IMG_1951.JPG" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;">Sandy Holding her new Granddaughter - Joselyn March 2010</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TDzJr-xuvPI/AAAAAAAAAXw/jl4ZBsZrGDE/s1600/400.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TDzJr-xuvPI/AAAAAAAAAXw/jl4ZBsZrGDE/s320/400.JPG" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;">Gracee playing with Me in the basement while Susie and Russ were in Vermont. She loves posing for pictures.</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TDzJ86kv64I/AAAAAAAAAX4/oGDXUXX-2oc/s1600/402.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TDzJ86kv64I/AAAAAAAAAX4/oGDXUXX-2oc/s320/402.JPG" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;"><br />
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</div>morinsqueenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01290680261578490610noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7765383016371772759.post-751559072161810512010-07-09T00:17:00.000-07:002010-08-04T23:42:19.272-07:00The Ongoing Struggle<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><br />
<div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I have been doing better during the daytime for the most part, but I avoid going to bed at night. Once I lay down I feel the lack of Morin beside me so intensely. One of our favorite things to do was spooning. When Morin was in prison, I missed him so much. I would lay in bed at night and imagine he was there holding me. Sometimes I could almost feel him. I looked forward to him coming home to me and knew that eventually he would. Now when I lay down I know he never will be there again and it is hard to avoid a crying spell. Night before last it was so bad I didn't get to sleep until about 6:30 am.</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Verdana;">One of the things I do (I have mentioned this previously) when I am upset, stressed or sad is shop - usually online, late at night, when I should be in bed. While I have been in Utah I ordered a computer online, knowing I would probably end up returning it (I am the return queen). In my defense, I have been planning to get a computer and have been saving up for one (and I didn't buy it late at night on impulse). My beloved Mac laptop hasn't worked in over a year, so I don't usually use the computer much. In the last 30 days (the period of time I have in which to return this computer) I have done more on the computer than I did the whole last year, I think. Anyway, it is time to return it. I would just keep it, but I had my son Scott check it out and he thinks I would be happier with an INTEL processor, so back it goes.</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Verdana;">Knowing of this 30 day deadline has caused me to be a little crazy about how much time I spend on the computer. Last night I was going to watch an episode (via the computer) of 'America's Got Talent' that I missed and then go to bed. Susie had committed me to this before she went to bed around 10:45 or so. As I opened the computer lid it occurred to me that all the pictures I have taken since I have been here (over 1,000) would be lost in this computer if I didn't do something, and quick! So I spent the next four hours laboriously editing, rotating and also deleting the extras that somehow snuck into my picture files. Hundreds of the pictures had five or six duplicates, so it took quite a bit of time. Then I uploaded them to the Costco photo center.</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Verdana;">Finally, I finished and began watching the episode of AGT I had been trying to get to all day. Within five or ten minutes, Susie came into my room, got down on her knees by my chair and with her hands clasped together and a very charming demeanor, she said, "Mom, I am begging you. Please have some temperance. You can watch it tomorrow. I will even watch it with you, but I beg you to go to bed." For some reason it struck me funny and I decided to go to bed as she asked. I couldn't stop laughing for about five minutes. It felt kind of refreshing to laugh again.</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Verdana;">Of course, I didn't get right to sleep. that would be too easy. I was spared a huge crying spell, but I just couldn't get to sleep. After two hours laying there wide awake, I got up and sat in the recliner for a while until my eyes got droopy, then fell asleep as the sun came up. Of course, the day was kind of topsy turvy because of it. I was going to watch Gracee while Susie went to lunch with friends and she ended up taking Gracee with her because I was just getting up. That made Gracee's nap late, so tonight when I watched her while Susie was working she wasn't ready to go to sleep until really late.</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Verdana;">One thing I have been struggling with concerning my feelings of grief and sadness, is I don't really understand how to put the atonement to use here. I know I can turn the pain over to Christ so I don't have to feel it, but how do I do that? In reality, I have never been good at doing that, so that is my quest. Other people talk about doing it and of the peace it brings them, so what is wrong with me? </span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Verdana;">Yes, I have had numerous experiences when my life has been upside down and I have prayed for peace and felt it for a period of time. It has been a great relief. I have always been able to feel that my sincere prayers were answered in those situations. However, when I am in an all-encompassing pit of grief and sadness that is with me all the time I feel like I just need to say, "Here. Please take this pain from me because I can't stand feeling it anymore." I can even get some temporary relief in that way, but the feelings just keep coming back. It makes me think I'm doing something wrong or I would feel better.</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="color: purple; font-family: Verdana;"><strong>Here it is, 1:30 am. I guess I will try to go to sleep 'early' tonight and decide if I am ready to post this when I wake up. I will have to use a different computer though......</strong></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;">Now it is several days later. I spent a few days in Bountiful with Scotty and Alethea. While I was there my 6-year-old granddaughter Aubrey showed me a video that was compiled by a parent of one of her kindergarten classmates. After watching it, she became very sad because she missed her friends and kindergarten and instinctively knew it was gone forever, and she mourned and grieved and was inconsolable. My heart went out to her, because it reminded me of what I have been experiencing. Nothing anyone could say was able to comfort her.</span><br />
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</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">We all tried to help her, but as the day continued she had several episodes of tears and obvious grieving. Though I have continued my reading on the subject, I found myself at a loss as to how to console her. It gave me some insight into what it must be like to be around me these days.</span></div><span style="font-family: Verdana;"></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Verdana;">I had a decent night that night, but when I woke up I felt like the sadness was too overwhelming for me. I tried and tried but just couldn't shake it. I didn't want to depress everyone else, so I stayed in my basement room until I could handle facing life again. I texted Scotty and Alethea so they would know what was going on with me and they were very understanding.</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Verdana;">When I finally went upstairs, well after noon, Aubrey was gone playing with a friend across the street. Alethea said she had watched her kindergarten video three or four times that morning and had invited her friend to watch it with her and seemed to be doing better. When she returned she seemed her old happy self. It made me wish for a video with Morin in it. Maybe it would help me to heal faster. Or is it that children are better at getting over things? </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TDY18B7UayI/AAAAAAAAASw/BtWpiab4rLg/s1600/IMG_0322.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TDY18B7UayI/AAAAAAAAASw/BtWpiab4rLg/s320/IMG_0322.JPG" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;">Scotty with Jesse, age 2</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
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<div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Verdana;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">In fact, not having a video is one of my biggest regrets. With all the technology available to me, I should have a video of Morin. I am so sad that I don't. Not having his voice to listen to or a video of him just being himself is unbelievable to me. It would have been so easy to do and would have meant so much to me and others that loved him. Why???? Why didn't I do that????</span></span></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Verdana;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: small;">These are the things that are hard to let go of. The things I could have done but didn't. I know in my mind that holding onto them is counterproductive and not at all helpful to me in healing my broken heart, but so far I have been unable to let go of those regrets.</span></span></span><span style="font-family: Verdana;"></span><br />
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</div>morinsqueenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01290680261578490610noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7765383016371772759.post-48092835650289485772010-06-29T01:47:00.000-07:002010-06-29T01:47:33.510-07:00Remembering<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Another day in the "zone". I haven't even gotten dressed today. </span><br />
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<div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">This video was taken at my home after Morin's Memorial Service. My children came over for a 'songfest' to cheer me up. I also recorded some of it on a digital voice recorder so I can listen to it when I am feeling down. It was so sweet of them to take time with me like that and it has been used a lot when I feel sad. They all sing well and I love it when they all get together and just jam. </span></div><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"></span><br />
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<div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Today I have been remembering the day of Morin's Memorial Service and all the wonderful friends and relatives who came to it. It meant a lot to me. All of my Utah kids came, as well as the Arizona family. I had siblings, ward friends from several old wards and even friends of my children. My ex husband came and his wife played the accompaniment for the musical numbers as well as the prelude and postlude music. What a nice thing for her to do. Morin's family was there as well. I hope they enjoyed the service and the nice luncheon afterward. </span></div><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"></span><br />
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<div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">In spite of it being a very sad thing that was happening, it was a lovely day. The service and luncheon were wonderful and the flowers were beautiful. I was able to keep my composure most of the day. Of course, I can always look back on any event and find things I wish I had done differently. I wish I had found a way to make Morin's family feel more recognized and welcomed. I was kind of in a daze, so I just sat at a table and stayed there for the whole luncheon. I wish I had been more social. </span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TCaOzV5juAI/AAAAAAAAASQ/pSoPaO0AsOQ/s1600/IMG_2011.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" ru="true" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TCaOzV5juAI/AAAAAAAAASQ/pSoPaO0AsOQ/s320/IMG_2011.JPG" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;">This is my son Star from Lindon, Utah - holding my granddaughter Gracee Ann Hannig at the Memorial Service Luncheon.</span></div><br />
<div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Verdana;">It has been a couple of days since I started this blog entry. I guess that can be considered a good thing, that I have taken days to complete it. I did end up getting dressed that day. I went downstairs to play games with Susie, Russ and Jarom after Russ gave me a blessing. I had been isolating a lot and was so emotional, we decided it was a good idea. It has continued to be helpful as I recall the things it said and have been able to put them to use.</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Verdana;">I had a few struggles today. Susie and Jarom and I (and Gracee) went to the mall and when I was in Bath & body Works I realized the last time I was there I was with Morin. When I saw the new men's fragrances on display I nearly burst into tears, because it reminded me of how much he loved his toiletries from there. It happened again at Costco, because I got one of their huge hand-dipped ice cream bars. The only other time I have gotten one was when I was with Morin one day. He got it for me and wouldn't even take a bite because he knew I loved ice cream and didn't want to deprive me of even one bite. It was sweet of him, but I really wanted him to have some. It's more fun to share things you like with someone you love. </span><span style="font-family: Verdana;"></span> </div><br />
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<div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Verdana;">Jarom and I went to a movie today. It was fun having him here. He has flown back to AZ and is probably in bed sleeping by now. I took a picture of him in front of the theatre. Here it is. He bought the jeans and hat when we went to the mall today. Isn't he cute?</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TCmqEHHTkEI/AAAAAAAAASY/QoGLcYMKs6s/s1600/IMG_0287.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" ru="true" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TCmqEHHTkEI/AAAAAAAAASY/QoGLcYMKs6s/s320/IMG_0287.JPG" /></a></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Verdana;">Today I have been remembering a lot of things about Morin that make me smile. He was a man of so many facets. He was very direct in his communication, yet sometimes hard to figure out. he was so loving and expressed his feelings very eloquently to me, yet sometimes struggled with letting other people know how he felt about them. He was a fan of the cooking channels and "animal planet" and always wanted to watch one or the other if the tv was on. He almost always fell asleep while watching these things and if I changed the channel he would wake up and say something about how I always got my way because he loved me 'most'. He was - of course - joking and didn't really mind me changing the channel. </span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Verdana;">His disease process had caused him to have an intolerance for the taste of salt. He had little or no appetite, so if he said he was hungry for something specific, I would hurry up and make it while he still felt like eating it. He was a big fan of my spaghetti and would eat it every day until it was all gone. He also loved my tacos and wanted to eat more than he was able. I loved cooking for him because he appreciated it so much.</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Verdana;">I was also remembering how much we enjoyed the full moon. Last October he was still strong enough for us to hike up Papago Peak and take this picture of the moon (and lots of others). I had planned to get there early and find a good spot while we could still see where we were going, but by the time he got out of dialysis and we took off, it was already pretty dark. He usually wore sandals with socks. That night was no exception, so he kept razzing me that I didn't tell him to wear shoes because it made it harder for him to walk on the dirt and rocks up hill. We had fun that night, but he was never strong enough again to do something like that. I'm glad we went when we did.</span></div><div align="center" style="text-align: justify;"><br />
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</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TCmt1Ha1ZoI/AAAAAAAAASg/_A373eDeCUc/s1600/IMG_4913.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" ru="true" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TCmt1Ha1ZoI/AAAAAAAAASg/_A373eDeCUc/s320/IMG_4913.JPG" /></a></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Verdana;">Since he didn't have a driver's license he asked my daughter Sandy to take him shopping for my birthday and Christmas gifts. He looked to her for advice on what I would like and took her recommendations very seriously. He would say, "I know you will love this one because Sandy said you would." He was always right. (or should I say Sandy was :-)) </span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Verdana;">Morin liked hiding a few dollars in strange spots because he would forget about it and then when he thought he was broke he would still have money. It was very cute. He would point out where he was putting some in the car and tell me to use it if I needed to. It was nice, because sometimes I did need to use it. I still have the last few dollars he left in the car. I will probably leave it there forever just because he isn't here to replace it and it makes me feel like he's kind of still with me. Silly? Who cares.</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Verdana;">I guess I should finish this up and get to bed before Susie catches me still up. She tries to be the voice of reason when I am here at her home. I can do some more remembering another day. </span></div><div align="justify" class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
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</div>morinsqueenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01290680261578490610noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7765383016371772759.post-43091158279637364322010-06-25T19:29:00.000-07:002010-08-04T23:07:45.224-07:00Waking up sad<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Today is just one of "those" days. I woke up feeling sad and like the weight of the world was on my shoulders. I can't seem to shake it. Everything reminds me of the fact that my sweetheart is gone.</span><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TCT74cO0nVI/AAAAAAAAASA/L8PNJjYZHTg/s1600/IMG_2038.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" ru="true" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TCT74cO0nVI/AAAAAAAAASA/L8PNJjYZHTg/s400/IMG_2038.JPG" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="color: #cfe2f3; font-size: large;">This is Jarom. He came up for football camp at BYU and is staying with us until Monday night. He is my Grandson from Arizona</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Susie and Jarom, Gracee and I got all dressed up and drove over to the Lindon Public Pool to swim this morning. Gracee was being really irritable and Susie was hoping a trip to the pool would cheer her up. When we got there we discovered it wasn't open for swimmers until 12:30, so we were way too early.</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">So we went over to Russ's parents' home because Gracee wanted to see BaPa (grandpa) and Jarom wanted to show us his new skill of doing a back flip on the trampoline. BaPa wasn't home, so Gracee's distress was clear on that. We spent some time watching Jarom and Gracee jump on the trampoline and then came back home.</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Then I felt like I might as well have stayed in bed (what I felt like doing anyway). Instead, I chose to try and blog out my feelings. Maybe the deep, dark pit I am in will seem a little bit less dark and less deep if I just write this down.</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Somehoe, I have managed to get through this day. It is after 8:00 pm now. Susie, Russ and Jarom are at the lake using waverunners with friends, Gracee is in bed and I am watching a 20/20 program about Michael Jackson's death a year ago today. Sad that he is gone. Sad that Morin is gone too. </span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I have lost loved ones in the past, but have never dealt with the level of grief that comes when you lose your mate. I have new respect for the widows of this world. I don't know how they get up in the morning and go through each day, acting like life is normal. I feel like hiding in a dark room and sobbing my eyes out. I can only imagine the pain of losing a child, thank goodness. That is something I hope I never go through.</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TCVjdVLwvVI/AAAAAAAAASI/kMV1IRjZ-8U/s1600/IMG_1709.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" ru="true" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TCVjdVLwvVI/AAAAAAAAASI/kMV1IRjZ-8U/s400/IMG_1709.JPG" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: black;">This is another picture of my sweetheart. It was taken in August 2009 in our kitchen. He was happy.</span></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
<span style="color: black;"></span></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I guess I will survive this grief. I am a survivor, after all is said and done. I don't know when or how, but someday I will feel okay again. I will always miss Morin, but life will mean something to me again. It is simply a matter of time. Until then, I will continue to get up in the morning and try to survive another day. </span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div>morinsqueenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01290680261578490610noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7765383016371772759.post-36084703525981299102010-06-21T23:14:00.000-07:002010-08-04T23:09:46.446-07:00Another Day Has Come and Gone. Morin is Still Not Here on Earth! :-( I Still Miss You Baby<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TCBOw9kwUAI/AAAAAAAAARo/5XYR9Gfqz1U/s1600/IMG_1976.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" ru="true" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TCBOw9kwUAI/AAAAAAAAARo/5XYR9Gfqz1U/s320/IMG_1976.JPG" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="color: black; font-size: large;">These are some of Morin's remote control toys. He loved playing with them.</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><br />
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<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Early this morning I had a pretty severe crying spell. I finally fell asleep a little after 6:00 am and slept fitfully for about three hours. I guess it's part of the package that grief brings with it. Once I got up I had a pretty good day. I did struggle twice to avoid crying, but that is something I've been experiencing often throughout every day since Morin died. Usually I do actually spend some time crying, so I consider today to have been a good day. </span></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TCBOWNNxnwI/AAAAAAAAARY/VmUsPHPu9X8/s1600/IMG_1978.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" ru="true" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TCBOWNNxnwI/AAAAAAAAARY/VmUsPHPu9X8/s320/IMG_1978.JPG" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="color: black; font-size: large;">This is the bike Morin kept trying to ride. He fell off every time because he was too weak.</span></div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Verdana;">Keeping busy seems to help, though I wonder if it is akin to "numbing out" in all of its forms, because it merely draws your attention to something else so you don't have to spend time in the pain of this journey of grief and sorrow. Eventually it comes back around and stares you in the face again and has to be felt.</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Verdana;">Traditionally I am a classic "numb-out" person. It may be comfort foods, it may be playing games endlessly on my computer, it may be watching too much tv or sleeping longer than I need to or even crocheting or shopping. All of these have successfully helped me remain numb for years at a time. I am trying to avoid these tactics so I can spend time working through my feelings of grief this time and move on to a healthier place.</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TCBONscdo0I/AAAAAAAAARQ/FiWSVkyS7gY/s1600/IMG_1930.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" ru="true" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TCBONscdo0I/AAAAAAAAARQ/FiWSVkyS7gY/s320/IMG_1930.JPG" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="color: black; font-size: large;">Morin enjoying his time with Star. He would spend hours with her every day.</span></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Verdana;">Susie has been great at trying to be whatever I need her to be right now. I don't know what I did to deserve her sweet spirit as my daughter. She is nurturing yet also encourages me into healthier ways of being and of doing things, yet not forcefully. She has always known how to do that with me and she never offends me while doing it. In addition, she doesn't always come away from our interactions feeling a sense of accomplishment, because I am a pretty tough case. I try to cooperate but also try to be true to what I feel I need at the moment. Sometimes I clearly don't want to choose the wisest way. Sometimes I want to stay where I am for a while, no matter how bad it is for me. I will move on past that point in due time. For those who love me and want to help it must be hard. I agree with that.</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
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</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TCBN0FVaVzI/AAAAAAAAARI/q6UZ1MJgA8k/s1600/IMG_1708.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" ru="true" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TCBN0FVaVzI/AAAAAAAAARI/q6UZ1MJgA8k/s320/IMG_1708.JPG" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="color: black; font-size: large;">My sweet, happy husband!</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Verdana;">All I can do is wake up every day and try to get through that day as best I can and hope that the next day will be a little less painful. Right now my pain and feeling of loss and sadness is still pretty overwhelming. It has surprised even me, because I knew my husband would be dying in the near future. I figured it was just a matter of time and that I would just accept it and go on living. It hasn't worked out that way. I miss him with every fiber of my being. I want to still be sitting in our recliners side-by-side watching tv and holding hands. I want to wake up in the middle of the night and find he is on the floor and needs help getting up. I want to fix whatever sounds good to him to eat no matter what time it is. I want him to wake me up at 2:30 in the morning and tell me he feels like going for a drive just to get out of the house. I want to sit on our patio swing with him for hours on end just because he doesn't want to be cooped up like he was in prison. I want to see him ride his bike even though he will end up on the ground, because it showed his desire to live life to the fullest. He loved bike riding, so he kept trying. I loved his spirit - it was indomitable. I just loved him so much for all of his character traits and his desire to live life well and be a good person. He was everything I ever hoped or dreamed he would be. Thanks for the sweet memories my love.</span></div><div align="center" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TCBO8MUzASI/AAAAAAAAARw/pwlcCndm1dI/s1600/IMG_1985.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" ru="true" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TCBO8MUzASI/AAAAAAAAARw/pwlcCndm1dI/s320/IMG_1985.JPG" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TCBPK4ThLFI/AAAAAAAAAR4/D8kj8vdnG5c/s1600/IMG_1982.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" ru="true" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TCBPK4ThLFI/AAAAAAAAAR4/D8kj8vdnG5c/s320/IMG_1982.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="color: black; font-size: large;">Above is the swing we enjoyed sitting on and talking. It was especially fun right at dusk. This lower picture is some of Morin's favorite hats and fishing poles. He LOVED fishing!</span></div>morinsqueenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01290680261578490610noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7765383016371772759.post-45958427108128677592010-06-21T11:43:00.000-07:002010-08-04T23:43:58.037-07:00I Miss You Baby!<div align="center"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TB8gIpbv1PI/AAAAAAAAANQ/ysxg_ON7niI/s1600/Morin+age+35+or+so.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" qu="true" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TB8gIpbv1PI/AAAAAAAAANQ/ysxg_ON7niI/s200/Morin+age+35+or+so.jpg" width="140" /></a></div><div align="center"><span style="color: black; font-size: large;">Morin Joseph Peterman Sr. 9-3-1960 to 4-13-2010</span></div><div align="center"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TB868owhAwI/AAAAAAAAAQo/hhpeEgTD0-w/s1600/2009_Morinetc__155.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" qu="true" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TB868owhAwI/AAAAAAAAAQo/hhpeEgTD0-w/s320/2009_Morinetc__155.jpg" /></a></div><div align="center"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">My husband - Morin Joseph Peterman Sr. - died April 13th 2010. I am struggling daily to work through the grief I feel. I have loved him since 1997. We married in 1999. Most of the years we were married, he was in prison. I wrote him, visited him, talked to him on the phone as often as we were allowed. We spent so much time and energy planning our future together - all the things we wanted to do together and with family. We had quite a list. As his prison term neared completion, his long-term illness of Hepatitis C began to ravage his body (as it always does) and he came close to death several times. Our big fear was that he would never make it home to me alive.</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="color: black;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Morin had betrayed my trust many times before going to prison and had hurt me deeply. I even considered for a minute that I might leave him when he went back to prison. To me 10.5 years (his sentence) felt like a lifetime. I was also afraid I could never trust him again, so waiting seemed pointless. Before I even had a chance to sleep on that thought I realized I wanted to be with him, prison or not. I loved him for who he was, not who I thought he was or wanted him to be. He loved me the same way. It isn't easy to find that kind of love and I decided he was worth waiting for. Over the prison years, he always promised he would do right by me when he was released. "Baby, I'll give you at least 10 good years", he would say. I really wanted to believe it. I went through lots of stages of grieving while he was in prison; grieving over what might have been if he had just done what he promised, grieving that we were getting older every year and not able to do things while we still had our health, grieving that I couldn't have him with me at all those special moments life presents us with. When he got so sick I knew most of our list was never going to be completed and I grieved about that.</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="color: black;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Toward the last year or so of prison I truly came full circle and felt I could trust him again and wasn't worried about what would happen when he came home. It felt good to think of him without those old nagging feelings of anxiety eating at me. The focus of our prayers became that he would come home alive and still able to do a few of the things we had on our list. </span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="color: black;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The first vital organ to suffer from the ravages of Hep C was his kidneys.. He went on dialysis in 2007. It was a very frightening and sobering experience for him. Life-changing in so many ways. It changed how he felt about himself, his life, his transgressions, God and our relationship. He was humbled and ready to submit to God's will for him. He had previously been uncomfortable talking about death and mortality - he was superstitious about it. After he began dialysis and really faced death head-on, he was willing to have discussions about it. He even brought it up himself during our visits. He had such faith though. He prayed, always and believed prayers would be answered. </span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="color: black;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Somewhere along the way his heart also fell victim to the Hep C, as it became so enlarged (Congestive Heart Failure) that when his cardiologist put in a defibrillator it wouldn't function. Another procedure had to be done. They implanted a device called a Subcutaneous Array that straddled the heart across from the defibrillator and connected to it, so the heart could be shocked when needed.. His doctor said he had never seen a heart as enlarged as Morin's was. Within 10 days of his defibrillator implant it saved his life 14 times in two hours one day. It was a painful solution to his breathing problems and not being able to sleep and having no energy. It took months for the swelling and tenderness to subside, but it did help him to feel better so we were glad he had it done.</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
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</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TB8d4cHtLFI/AAAAAAAAAMo/_ItlqN97ARE/s1600/Morin+the+day+he+came+home+July+2009.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" qu="true" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TB8d4cHtLFI/AAAAAAAAAMo/_ItlqN97ARE/s320/Morin+the+day+he+came+home+July+2009.jpg" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="color: black; font-size: large;">Morin and I the day he got out of prison - July 24, 2009. It was so good to have him back!</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> <a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TB8tP3QHEdI/AAAAAAAAAQY/ZY5V5WMBDSM/s1600/IMG_1897.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" qu="true" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TB8tP3QHEdI/AAAAAAAAAQY/ZY5V5WMBDSM/s320/IMG_1897.JPG" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="color: black; font-size: large;">The only Christmas we got to have together and we had so much fun!</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> <a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TB8n3CDyjhI/AAAAAAAAAPQ/W_hbu_1isxY/s1600/IMG_1984.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" qu="true" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TB8n3CDyjhI/AAAAAAAAAPQ/W_hbu_1isxY/s320/IMG_1984.JPG" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="color: black; font-size: large;">The wonderful balloons Morin got me for my birthday March 21 were still flying high when he died and beyond. I will keep them as long as they are flying.</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
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</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TB8eWXKHBXI/AAAAAAAAAM4/h-hTT3Bc0cU/s1600/Morin+with+granddaughter.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" qu="true" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TB8eWXKHBXI/AAAAAAAAAM4/h-hTT3Bc0cU/s320/Morin+with+granddaughter.jpg" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="color: black; font-size: large;">Morin with his cute little granddaughter (one of them)</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TB8exyGk7lI/AAAAAAAAANA/gcrNP5BYthI/s1600/IMG_1710.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" qu="true" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TB8exyGk7lI/AAAAAAAAANA/gcrNP5BYthI/s320/IMG_1710.JPG" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="color: black; font-size: large;">I took these two pictures of Morin Sr. and Morin Jr. while they were clowning around in our kitchen. Nice memory.</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TB8e9y0Vq6I/AAAAAAAAANI/oTrfju0W7as/s1600/IMG_1711.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" qu="true" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TB8e9y0Vq6I/AAAAAAAAANI/oTrfju0W7as/s320/IMG_1711.JPG" /></a></div><div align="center"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TB8db1vzbkI/AAAAAAAAAMg/HJS3crMcyH8/s1600/Apr1295023.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" qu="true" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TB8db1vzbkI/AAAAAAAAAMg/HJS3crMcyH8/s320/Apr1295023.jpg" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Morin's cousin Melinda with her new grandson</span></div><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"> </span><br />
<div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Many other side-effects of end-stage liver disease were present when he was released from prison in July 2009. His medical problems were varied and constant and he suffered it all without complaint. Our time together was wonderful, though a lot of it was spent in hospitals and emergency rooms. Everything we did to manage his health was worth it, because we were finally together. Toward the end of his life he fell many times. Usually, I would help him up and life would continue as usual. Then he got so weak I had to get help when he fell because he couldn't push with his legs and help.</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
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</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TB8cEjplTrI/AAAAAAAAAMQ/2MwR9qmSSgU/s1600/IMG_1862.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" qu="true" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TB8cEjplTrI/AAAAAAAAAMQ/2MwR9qmSSgU/s320/IMG_1862.JPG" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="color: black; font-size: large;">Morin during one of his many hospital stays. He is being visited by Joyce, wearing her dress for the Renaissance Festival.</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
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</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TB8ctMfJBuI/AAAAAAAAAMY/b-0sQzBBEKY/s1600/IMG_1865.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" qu="true" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TB8ctMfJBuI/AAAAAAAAAMY/b-0sQzBBEKY/s320/IMG_1865.JPG" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="color: black; font-size: large;">Morin in the hospital. No, he's not flipping me off, it just looks like it. He was always smiling.</span></div><span style="color: black; font-size: large;"> </span><br />
<div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">On April 11th Morin fell while walking in from the garage. He hit his head on the cement curb hard enough to raise a big bump and cause a laceration. He refused to let me take him to the ER so I called paramedics to transport him and met them there. He never came home. </span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="color: black;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">We started out at one hospital where they admitted him, did a CT scan and some blood work and decided his confusion was because of an elevated ammonia level (another side-effect of end-stage liver disease) and didn't repeat the CT scan until midnight of April 12th when he suffered a massive stroke in the hospital. I was there with him, trying to sleep on the couch. It was so scary to see him like that. I saw all of our hopes and dreams die within the next 18 hours as his life slipped quietly away.The last words he said were, "I love you baby."</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="color: black;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">After his stroke became evident, he was transported to a trauma hospital because apparently the hospital we were in was not a level one trauma center and not equipped for his condition to be managed. He needed to be seen by a neurosurgeon as soon as possible. At 6:00 am they repeated the CT scan and the bleeding in his brain had increased a lot. By now he had been placed on a ventilator to assist his breathing. He didn't get to see the neurosurgeon until 9:00 am. By then it was clear that surgery was not going to help him. The surgeon said that if he survived the surgery, his life would be spent as a vegetable - suffering from his disease processes, yet unable to tell anyone what he was feeling. He would have lived only because of machines keeping him alive in some medical facility. This was not what Morin wanted - living like that. I knew it, but wanted him back. It was such a sad experience, making the decision to just let him go peacefully and end his suffering. I wanted to take him home and let him die there, but they couldn't transport him with the ventilator and he would have died in the ambulance without it.</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="color: black;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">So, with his loved ones in the room, the nurse turned off the ventilator at 6:25 pm on April 13th, 2010. He never took a single breath on his own after that. I felt like my whole world had just fallen apart. My Sweetheart and Love of my Life was gone from this earth. Suddenly, unexpectedly, gone. We thought we had at least another year and that death would come gradually until one night he would mercifully die with me holding him and telling him how much I loved him. Yes - just like me, he was forever the romantic. Of course, Heavenly Father always knows better than we do. No matter when Morin died I would have wished for more time with him. This kind of death was a blessing for him, because he didn't have to suffer a lingering, painful death.</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I know that in my mind and heart, but I miss him so much that I haven't been able to stop myself from going over and over it, trying to see how the outcome could have been different. What if I had been with him in the garage that day? Could I have seen the fall coming and steadied him? What if I had insisted on further investigation of his confusion ie. more CT scans that first day? What if his puppy Star hadn't been with him? Did she actually cause him to fall? Indeed, she was the one to summon help when he fell. Did she first run around his legs with her leash and trip him? What if the paramedics had taken him to a level 1 trauma center in the first place? I just can't keep the "what if's" out of my mind.</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><span style="color: black;"><br />
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</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="color: black; font-size: large;">This is a picture of Morin with his Pit Bull puppy Star. His son Morin Peterman Jr. gave her to him for Christmas. He loved her and spent a lot of time with her in the yard and garage.</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TB8OCPjjMGI/AAAAAAAAALI/4ObPpTcvZ84/s1600/IMG_1942.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" qu="true" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TB8OCPjjMGI/AAAAAAAAALI/4ObPpTcvZ84/s320/IMG_1942.JPG" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; text-align: justify;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">And then there are the things we never got to do. Why not? Why didn't we go to that free concert in the park even though he didn't feel good? Why didn't we get our fishing licenses and go use our brand new fishing poles? Why didn't we go to the park and race our remote control cars? Why didn't we go to more movies? Why did I cut out a pair of pajamas for him and never get them sewn so he could wear them? He waited months for me to get them done and never complained that I hadn't. Why? Why was he so amazingly pleasant and loving every minute we were together? Why didn't we ever have that BBQ we kept talking about? </span></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; text-align: justify;"><span style="color: black;"><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"></span></span></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; text-align: justify;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> I know a couple of answers. He wanted to do a whole lot of things but didn't feel well enough to do them. He was trying to make up to me for all the pain he had caused me in the past, so he seemed to think I could do no wrong. He always thought I was better than I was. I did love him more than I can even explain and I tried to show him every day, but I always felt like I was falling short of what my best was. </span></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; text-align: justify;"><span style="color: black;"><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"></span></span></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; text-align: justify;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> Who knows? Our life together was fraught with medical issues and was stressful in that way - including me breaking my foot and being required not to bear weight on it for 14 weeks. It was quite untimely. I was at the hospital during one of his 8 admissions and I was just taking a step in the hospital corridor and when my foot came down I didn't twist it or trip or anything. I heard a sound like a bat hitting a baseball and it was my foot breaking. I screamed and grabbed the safety rail. The tech got me a wheelchair and took me to the ER and after they casted it, I went back to Morin's room. He never knew I was going through anything until I came wheeling into his room around 2:00 am..........</span></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; text-align: justify;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">.</span></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; text-align: justify;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Anyway, after my Sweetheart died everything just kind of became a blur. My mom came and stayed with me a few days. She has such a "Mom Heart". She is 83 years old and suffering failing health herself, but she wanted to be there for me in my time of need. Then my youngest daughter Susie came with sweet little Gracee Ann and stayed a couple of weeks. While Susie was there she made sure I ate and slept. She made a wonderful scrapbook for the Memorial Service. It is filled with wonderful pictures and memories of Morin. All of my seven children came for the services. They sang and my son Star gave a talk on the atonement. The flowers were beautiful and there was a wonderful luncheon following that the sweet sisters from my ward and my previous ward prepared. I felt so supported and loved by those who came and who donated money to help pay for the expenses. Then after all that I had a week or so before there was a family reunion to go to in Snowflake, AZ. There were a lot of people there and it was nice, but I felt like I was in a daze.</span></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div align="center" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TB8lYjcUNNI/AAAAAAAAAOg/noPilMYA78k/s1600/IMG_2056.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" qu="true" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TB8lYjcUNNI/AAAAAAAAAOg/noPilMYA78k/s320/IMG_2056.JPG" /></a></div><div align="center" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><span style="color: black; font-size: large;">Cute picture of Gracee at a park in AZ April 2010</span></div><div align="center" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TB8bWVC9TdI/AAAAAAAAAMI/8PUVLYKbgbM/s1600/IMG_2101.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" qu="true" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TB8bWVC9TdI/AAAAAAAAAMI/8PUVLYKbgbM/s320/IMG_2101.JPG" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="color: black; font-size: large;">Sandy, Susie and Gracee Ann after lunch at Someburros with family.</span></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
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</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TB8mpWouwII/AAAAAAAAAPA/9T9SXNE0LJ4/s1600/IMG_2037.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" qu="true" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TB8mpWouwII/AAAAAAAAAPA/9T9SXNE0LJ4/s320/IMG_2037.JPG" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="color: black; font-size: large;">Some of the beautiful flowers that were at the memorial service.</span></div><div align="center" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TB8VHbLgp3I/AAAAAAAAALQ/XjQIxvRQFD8/s1600/IMG_1994.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" qu="true" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TB8VHbLgp3I/AAAAAAAAALQ/XjQIxvRQFD8/s320/IMG_1994.JPG" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="color: black; font-size: large;">This is my daughter Stephanie and her husband David Adams with my sister Marilyn at the memorial service luncheon. It was so great having them all there.</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="color: blue; font-size: large;"></span><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TB8WEu5JnuI/AAAAAAAAALY/F5ig8aw1amg/s1600/IMG_1998.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" qu="true" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TB8WEu5JnuI/AAAAAAAAALY/F5ig8aw1amg/s320/IMG_1998.JPG" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="color: black; font-size: large;">These are two of my sons - Steven and Slade at the luncheon. Aren't they handsome?</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="color: blue; font-size: large;"></span><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TB8Wmatt2eI/AAAAAAAAALg/iipcgzlsv64/s1600/IMG_1993.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" qu="true" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TB8Wmatt2eI/AAAAAAAAALg/iipcgzlsv64/s320/IMG_1993.JPG" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="color: black; font-size: large;">In the background you can see my sister Beth and my brother Lincoln. In the foreground left to right, my daughter Sandy, her son Cameron, my son Scotty and my ex husband Scott Hall. It was so great to have them all there that day.</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TB8XbQPtMkI/AAAAAAAAALo/EBKJon_TBKk/s1600/IMG_2000.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" qu="true" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TB8XbQPtMkI/AAAAAAAAALo/EBKJon_TBKk/s320/IMG_2000.JPG" /></a></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; text-align: center;"><span style="color: black;"> <span style="font-size: large;"> This is Morin's son - Morin Peterman Jr. On his left is Morin's cousin Melinda, on his right is Joyce, one of his son's friends and next to her is someone whose name I don't know. I hope they enjoyed the services and the luncheon.</span></span></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; text-align: center;"><br />
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</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TB8Yy8qfSiI/AAAAAAAAALw/TwpWH29cdzU/s1600/IMG_1991.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" qu="true" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TB8Yy8qfSiI/AAAAAAAAALw/TwpWH29cdzU/s320/IMG_1991.JPG" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="color: black; font-size: large;">In this picture is my sister Tami, her daughter Lacey and my son Star. I loved having my family there. All of them. It was wonderful.</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TB8ZhgAq-EI/AAAAAAAAAL4/Us9idYlO7IY/s1600/IMG_1996.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" qu="true" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TB8ZhgAq-EI/AAAAAAAAAL4/Us9idYlO7IY/s320/IMG_1996.JPG" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="color: black; font-size: large;">This is my ex - Scott Hall with Sandy's cute youngest child, Jarom and his dad - Randy Stoker. They were so great to Morin and I was glad to have them there.</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TB8aax5n65I/AAAAAAAAAMA/DD0crDRYD6Q/s1600/IMG_2013.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" qu="true" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TB8aax5n65I/AAAAAAAAAMA/DD0crDRYD6Q/s320/IMG_2013.JPG" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="color: black; font-size: large;">This is Susie with her friend Emily at the services. They have been friends since 5th grade.</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TB8mBi1jenI/AAAAAAAAAOo/ZfuEgEOoh4w/s1600/IMG_2017.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" qu="true" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TB8mBi1jenI/AAAAAAAAAOo/ZfuEgEOoh4w/s320/IMG_2017.JPG" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TB8mPgwzkgI/AAAAAAAAAOw/nbuhHOgq1vU/s1600/IMG_2018.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" qu="true" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TB8mPgwzkgI/AAAAAAAAAOw/nbuhHOgq1vU/s320/IMG_2018.JPG" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="color: black; font-size: large;">After the memorial service, the family gathered at my home to sing songs and spend some time together. These four pictures are from that gathering.</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TB8ma52RmDI/AAAAAAAAAO4/rr_9bXquY6M/s1600/IMG_2023.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" qu="true" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TB8ma52RmDI/AAAAAAAAAO4/rr_9bXquY6M/s320/IMG_2023.JPG" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TB8nEtdSvBI/AAAAAAAAAPI/saVerZZjyAY/s1600/IMG_2038.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" qu="true" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TB8nEtdSvBI/AAAAAAAAAPI/saVerZZjyAY/s320/IMG_2038.JPG" /></a></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
</div><div align="center" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><span style="color: black; font-size: large;">These next seven pictures were taken at the family reunion in Snowflake.</span></div><div align="center" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
</div><div align="center" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TB8pNGxLcrI/AAAAAAAAAPg/Cw4r25P0q-k/s1600/IMG_2157.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" qu="true" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TB8pNGxLcrI/AAAAAAAAAPg/Cw4r25P0q-k/s320/IMG_2157.JPG" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TB8plBNYicI/AAAAAAAAAPo/YYx1NWjn1Ng/s1600/IMG_2183.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" qu="true" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TB8plBNYicI/AAAAAAAAAPo/YYx1NWjn1Ng/s320/IMG_2183.JPG" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
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</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TB8p6hOiOjI/AAAAAAAAAP4/7xNropP31ps/s1600/IMG_2124.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" qu="true" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TB8p6hOiOjI/AAAAAAAAAP4/7xNropP31ps/s320/IMG_2124.JPG" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TB8qLotu99I/AAAAAAAAAQA/EYKp7ndfe4s/s1600/IMG_2171.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" qu="true" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TB8qLotu99I/AAAAAAAAAQA/EYKp7ndfe4s/s320/IMG_2171.JPG" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TB8qu9c-GtI/AAAAAAAAAQI/dmLpcQyN-IE/s1600/IMG_2152.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" qu="true" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TB8qu9c-GtI/AAAAAAAAAQI/dmLpcQyN-IE/s320/IMG_2152.JPG" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TB8q44xvBzI/AAAAAAAAAQQ/Ff6K6FxPyDE/s1600/IMG_2137.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" qu="true" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TB8q44xvBzI/AAAAAAAAAQQ/Ff6K6FxPyDE/s320/IMG_2137.JPG" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; text-align: justify;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">At some point, I made the decision to come to Utah for the summer. Morin was supposed to fly up here with me on May 20th and we were going to stay for two weeks. We were going to watch Gracee while Susie and Russ went on their first cruise. It was going to be Morin's first ride on a plane. He would have been so cute, looking down at the earth from up there. It would have been one of the things on our list. As turned out, Susie used the extra ticket to come and help me out after he died.</span></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"></div><div align="center" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TB8iASj0UiI/AAAAAAAAANg/3MdNfS3Q3go/s1600/IMG_0193.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" qu="true" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TB8iASj0UiI/AAAAAAAAANg/3MdNfS3Q3go/s320/IMG_0193.JPG" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="color: black; font-size: large;">Aubrey -Scotty & Alethea's oldest with her pet hamster - "Hammy"</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TB8iitf2fFI/AAAAAAAAANo/KQIg1IPMUGk/s1600/IMG_0221.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" qu="true" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TB8iitf2fFI/AAAAAAAAANo/KQIg1IPMUGk/s320/IMG_0221.JPG" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="color: black; font-size: large;">Scotty and Alethea's two boys at Jessie's second birthday party, </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="color: black; font-size: large;">6-9-2010. Jesse above and Ethan below. Cuties!</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TB8itWrwViI/AAAAAAAAANw/u_gj2MvDk7M/s1600/IMG_0218.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" qu="true" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TB8itWrwViI/AAAAAAAAANw/u_gj2MvDk7M/s320/IMG_0218.JPG" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TB8jYAb5huI/AAAAAAAAAN4/byOV_JZaoxU/s1600/IMG_0228.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" qu="true" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TB8jYAb5huI/AAAAAAAAAN4/byOV_JZaoxU/s320/IMG_0228.JPG" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="color: black; font-size: large;">Gracee being cute, sporting her mom's colorful headband.</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="color: black;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">We had a really fun BBQ at Scottie's home Saturday. Here are some pics from that day and a video if it works.</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
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</div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TB-tSH53ENI/AAAAAAAAAQw/a2ViXeZyt8g/s1600/IMG_0234.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" ru="true" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TB-tSH53ENI/AAAAAAAAAQw/a2ViXeZyt8g/s320/IMG_0234.JPG" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="color: black; font-size: large;">Schuyler taking Jesse for a little joy ride</span></div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TB-tZW_JJqI/AAAAAAAAAQ4/tUrfhbtPBaY/s1600/IMG_0235.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" ru="true" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TB-tZW_JJqI/AAAAAAAAAQ4/tUrfhbtPBaY/s320/IMG_0235.JPG" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="color: black; font-size: large;">Millie decides to help out</span></div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TB-tgseqXlI/AAAAAAAAARA/AeSdIM0yKCM/s1600/IMG_0237.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" ru="true" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TB-tgseqXlI/AAAAAAAAARA/AeSdIM0yKCM/s320/IMG_0237.JPG" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="color: black; font-size: large;">It's dessert time for Gracee and Susie. A baby popsicle and a Mamma popsicle.</span></div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">(The videos both failed to upload here. Sorry.)</span></div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; text-align: justify;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Coming here without Morin was very hard for me, because it caused so much sadness over him missing this opportunity. I try to feel his presence and I talk to him about how cute something is or how beautiful the day is or anything I think would have been fun or interesting if he was here, but it just isn't the same as him being here. I sometimes have a day or so when there isn't a wave of sadness or grief that washes over me, but most days it happens at least once or twice. Sometimes I can't stop crying and sometimes I cry briefly. </span></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TB8kOzvE9tI/AAAAAAAAAOI/3DKiKvC8PXw/s1600/IMG_2191.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" qu="true" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TB8kOzvE9tI/AAAAAAAAAOI/3DKiKvC8PXw/s320/IMG_2191.JPG" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; text-align: center;"><span style="color: blue; font-size: large;"> <span style="color: black;">Because Morin wasn't flying with me, I decided to drive to Utah. I took these pictures as I was leaving Page, AZ because it was so pretty and I thought he would have enjoyed seeing it with me</span></span><span style="color: black;">.</span></div><div align="center" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TB8keU0P7OI/AAAAAAAAAOQ/yoKo7s_CAx0/s1600/IMG_2197.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" qu="true" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TB8keU0P7OI/AAAAAAAAAOQ/yoKo7s_CAx0/s320/IMG_2197.JPG" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TB8koojcGHI/AAAAAAAAAOY/0brnl14-iVg/s1600/IMG_2198.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" qu="true" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TB8koojcGHI/AAAAAAAAAOY/0brnl14-iVg/s320/IMG_2198.JPG" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; text-align: justify;"><span style="color: orange; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> <span style="color: black;">Susie took me to the library so I could check out some books on grief. I have been reading one called "But if Not - When Bad Things Threaten to Destroy Good People". I think it is helping me, but unfortunately it just takes time to grieve. There are no rules about how MUCH time, but I know from experience that you can't rush it or lessen it. It is what it is and everyone grieves in their own way and at their own pace. </span></span></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; text-align: justify;"><span style="color: black;"><br />
</span></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; text-align: justify;"><span style="color: orange; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: black;">In most ways it is good being here in Utah. I have lots of loving family and positive things going on around me. It has been hard though, because inside myself, I feel like I can't really work through my feelings when I am so far away from where my life with Morin took place. That seems the simplest way to say what I am feeling. I do miss the Arizona family too. It is helpful talking with them about how I feel because they actually got to be around Morin and witness the wonderful change in him. He helped build some important bridges in his brief time after prison. Personal bridges of change and hope with family members. He didn't even realize he was doing it. He was just being himself.</span> </span></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
</div><div align="center" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TB8hbsOyJLI/AAAAAAAAANY/lBXHQPSwPzg/s1600/IMG_1861.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" qu="true" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/TB8hbsOyJLI/AAAAAAAAANY/lBXHQPSwPzg/s320/IMG_1861.JPG" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="color: black; font-size: large;">Morin and I after one of Jarom's football games. What fun it was, having Morin with me that day!</span></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><span style="color: black;"><br />
</span></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; text-align: justify;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">As I continue with this blogging, I will hopefully be consistent in relating my progress and what my feelings are from day to day or if not daily then maybe weekly. I hope that blogging will help me work through some of my emotions and heal in a more timely manner. Feel free to leave your helpful comments. </span></div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: center;"></div>morinsqueenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01290680261578490610noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7765383016371772759.post-42837476493355188452009-09-25T09:26:00.000-07:002010-06-30T13:29:50.185-07:00<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/SqaJOr--n6I/AAAAAAAAAKk/Mx7ZDmoS9_Y/s1600-h/IMG_1825.JPG"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 300px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5379137690358685602" border="0" alt="" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/SqaJOr--n6I/AAAAAAAAAKk/Mx7ZDmoS9_Y/s400/IMG_1825.JPG" /></a> Aimee made a yummy cake for Steve and Sus that we had after our taco night.<br /><div><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/SqaJOBSGA5I/AAAAAAAAAKc/06xBzWVANqw/s1600-h/IMG_1794.JPG"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 300px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5379137678896137106" border="0" alt="" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/SqaJOBSGA5I/AAAAAAAAAKc/06xBzWVANqw/s400/IMG_1794.JPG" /></a> Susie asked me to make her a yummy pumpkin cheesecake recipe that Alethea had made for my birthday this year.<br /><br /><div><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/SqaJNWC2bcI/AAAAAAAAAKU/5YVGSC1stx4/s1600-h/IMG_1820.JPG"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 300px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5379137667289476546" border="0" alt="" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_meQ2iFhhvsc/SqaJNWC2bcI/AAAAAAAAAKU/5YVGSC1stx4/s400/IMG_1820.JPG" /></a> Gracee is so happy to be playing at her cousin's house in her new outfit!<br /><br /><br /><div></div></div></div>morinsqueenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01290680261578490610noreply@blogger.com0