As the year anniversary approaches since Morin died, I find myself becoming a bit more sad and emotional. and am surprised that I haven't made more progress. I thought that by now I would have started to feel much better most of the time. In reality, I know I have improved a lot, but still feel sad more than I want to and I am unable to get to a point that I actually care about much of anything on a daily basis. I don't enjoy life as much as I used to and I still feel the need to avoid people a lot because I don't feel like socializing most of the time. Tonight I got to crying and couldn't sleep, so I thought maybe blogging would be helpful.
|One of the pictures Morin and I took December 2009. We were trying to get a good one for a Christmas card using a remote for our camera. Just thought it would be fun to include it here in memory of my sweetheart.|
I spent a month in Utah, not three weeks. I had a lot of fun with family there. I spent a week in Bountiful with Scottie and his family, watched Gracee while Susie and Russ went to Las Vegas to watch BYU basketball, spent not near enough time with Star's family, had lots of fun game time with Susie and Russ and friends from their Ward, went bowling twice - once with Steve and his kids where I actually bowled and on my birthday we took Gracee bowling and I was a spectator.
|Steve and his kids on our bowling day. We sure had fun!|
|Gracee had a blast dancing to the music while we bowled|
|Steve and Susie - cute picture|
That is certainly the nutshell version of the month I spent in Utah. I had a few emotional moments while I was there. Several times because I was missing Morin, but also I had some remarkable experiences.
(1 )When Susie and a friend of hers sang "Did You Think to Pray" in Sacrament Meeting I felt Grandad Gillespie's presence so strongly that day. He loved to sing and I just felt him there enjoying seeing his great granddaughter singing one of Grandma's favorite hymns.
(2) When Susie, Russ and I went to the temple to do sealings we sat in the celestial room for a short time before leaving. While sitting there, I had a strong wave of emotion and felt that it was Morin there with me. We had planned to attend a temple open house together. It was on our bucket list. He wanted to see what our temples are like inside. We had hoped for the one that opened last spring in the Gila Valley here in Arizona, but he didn't live long enough to go. When I felt his presence it surprised me because I figured that wouldn't happen until after I had his temple ordinances completed. It was a really special feeling and I hated to leave.
(3) I also had some really strong emotions during my time with Gracee. It was the first time it occurred to me that my Grandmother must have suffered as much as I did when I had to leave her and move to California. It was the heartbreak of my young life. One day as I was playing with Gracee, I realized how hard it would be to go home and not be with her any more. Then my thoughts went to Grandma Gillespie. She was a mother figure to me for most of my first five years of life. We lived with her for much of those years and my mother worked so Grandma took care of me all day while my sisters were in school. I suddenly realized it must have been awful for her when we left. I haven't had nearly that much time with Gracee, but I got a glimpse into what Grandma went through. It made me appreciate and feel closer than ever to Grandma.
The family threw a really fun and yummy birthday party for me at Scottie and Alethea's. Everyone came except Zach. He was at Youth Conference. Here are a few pictures from the party:
|Me with Little Steven and Little Susie - Steve's kids|
|Me with Abby and Stef Hall - Star's daughter and wife. I am holding a gift from them.|
|Cute Jesse Hall, Scottie's youngest|
|Ethan Hall with a rare huge smile, Scottie's second child|
|Gracee having a blast on Jesse's ride-on toy (Susie's daughter)|
|Jesse and Ethan having fun|
On the day of my birthday - March 21, I was sad because last year I spent my birthday with Morin and I was missing him so much. Russ and Susie said I could do whatever I wanted to do that day. Russ took off of work so we could spend the day all together. So, we took Gracee bowling, ate lunch with Star and in the evening we ate at Star's and played games after. Here are some pictures from that dat:
|Susie and Gracee getting ready to bowl|
|Gracee loves the camera!|
|Getting ready to roll the ball down the dinosaur's back. She almost got a strike several times. Cute!|
|Gracee loved it when her ball hit the pins|
|The bowling was a hit but Gracee eventually had enough. Nap time!|
|I forgot to mention Sus and I got pedicures during Gracee's nap. Fun!|
|Star getting ready to serve my yummy birthday dessert - Ice cream pie. Two kinds!|
|Cute Sammy made sure there was a large variety of game choices. He went to a lot of work!|
|Millie loves to carry Gracee around|
|Gracee dancing for us - she loves to dance!|
|Playing games at Star's|
|Abby and I snuggling under the blanket they got from Aunt Sandy -Abbs's favorite|
|Millie and Sus |
When I grieve it seems I have to find something to escape with. This last year has been filled with all sorts of things to take my mind off my feelings of sadness and loneliness. I don't know if that's the right way to do it or not, but what I am hoping is that time will help. Obviously I need more than a year since I still experience a lot of grief on a daily basis. It seems I feel the need to try and act normal because I know other people probably think I am or should be fine by now. Sometimes I can and other times I cannot pull it off.
(April 13, 2011)
I had planned to invite all of Morin's family that live in AZ and any of mine that wanted to come - over tonight to reminisce on the year anniversary of Morin's death. I was going to make a big dinner and make a nice time of it. However, I am unable to pull it off. I'm just not up for it. So instead, Jaysin and I are going to just go to an early dinner and reminisce and I will have everyone over soon for the big get-together. My thinking feels pretty disorganized about what I should be doing or feeling right now, so I am just taking one day at a time and trying to be as productive as possible. Lately I have been doing some crocheted easter eggs. I don't know why - probably because it's something new I can do to keep my hands and mind busy. Here is a couple of pictures of my eggs;
|Last Saturday Steph came down with some of her Anatomy and Physiology classmates and we went to see Body World at the Arizona Science Center. She surprised me with this new short hair. I really like it.|
Okay, I know this is another really long blog. I wish I knew how to do shorter ones. I hope you all will still take time to read it so my time has not been wasted. Until my next blog........