Waking up sad

Today is just one of  "those" days.  I woke up feeling sad and like the weight of the world was on my shoulders.  I can't seem to shake it.  Everything reminds me of the fact that my sweetheart is gone.

This is Jarom.  He came up for football camp at BYU and is staying with us until Monday night.  He is my Grandson from Arizona

Susie and Jarom, Gracee and I got all dressed up and drove over to the Lindon Public Pool to swim this morning.  Gracee was being really irritable and Susie was hoping a trip to the pool would cheer her up.  When we got there we discovered it wasn't open for swimmers until 12:30, so we were way too early.

So we went over to Russ's parents' home because Gracee wanted to see BaPa (grandpa) and Jarom wanted to show us his new skill of doing a back flip on the trampoline.  BaPa wasn't home, so Gracee's distress was clear on that.  We spent some time watching Jarom and Gracee jump on the trampoline and then came back home.

Then I felt like I might as well have stayed in bed (what I felt like doing anyway). Instead, I chose to try and blog out my feelings.  Maybe the deep, dark pit I am in will seem a little bit less dark and less deep if I just write this down.

Somehoe, I have managed to get through this day.  It is after 8:00 pm now.  Susie, Russ and Jarom are at the lake using waverunners with friends, Gracee is in bed and I am watching a 20/20 program about Michael Jackson's death a year ago today.  Sad that he is gone.  Sad that Morin is gone too.

I have lost loved ones in the past, but have never dealt with the level of grief that comes when you lose your mate.  I have new respect for the widows of this world.  I don't know how they get up in the morning and go through each day, acting like life is normal.  I feel like hiding in a dark room and sobbing my eyes out.  I can only imagine the pain of losing a child, thank goodness.  That is something I hope I never go through.

This is another picture of my sweetheart.  It was taken in August 2009 in our kitchen.  He was happy.

I guess I will survive this grief.  I am a survivor, after all is said and done.  I don't know when or how, but someday I will feel okay again.  I will always miss Morin, but life will mean something to me again.  It is simply a matter of time.  Until then, I will continue to get up in the morning and try to survive another day.