Remembering

Another day in the "zone".  I haven't even gotten dressed today. 

This video was taken at my home after Morin's Memorial Service.  My children came over for a 'songfest' to cheer me up.  I also recorded some of it on a digital voice recorder so I can listen to it when I am feeling down.  It was so sweet of them to take time with me like that and it has been used a lot when I feel sad.  They all sing well and I love it when they all get together and just jam. 

Today I have been remembering the day of Morin's Memorial Service and all the wonderful friends and relatives who came to it.  It meant a lot to me.  All of my Utah kids came, as well as the Arizona family.  I had siblings, ward friends from several old wards and even friends of my children.  My ex husband came and his wife played the accompaniment for the musical numbers as well as the prelude and postlude music.  What a nice thing for her to do.  Morin's family was there as well.  I hope they enjoyed the service and the nice luncheon afterward. 

In spite of it being a very sad thing that was happening, it was a lovely day.  The service and luncheon were wonderful and the flowers were beautiful.  I was able to keep my composure most of the day.  Of course, I can always look back on any event and find things I wish I had done differently.  I wish I had found a way to make Morin's family feel more recognized and welcomed.  I was kind of in a daze, so I just sat at a table and stayed there for the whole luncheon.  I wish I had been more social. 

This is my son Star from Lindon, Utah - holding my granddaughter Gracee Ann Hannig at the Memorial Service Luncheon.

It has been a couple of days since I started this blog entry.  I guess that can be considered a good thing, that I have taken days to complete it.  I did end up getting dressed that day.  I went downstairs to play games with Susie, Russ and Jarom after Russ gave me a blessing.  I had been isolating a lot and was so emotional, we decided it was a good idea.  It has continued to be helpful as I recall the things it said and have been able to put them to use.

I had a few struggles today. Susie and Jarom and I (and Gracee) went to the mall and when I was in Bath & body Works I realized the last time I was there I was with Morin. When I saw the new men's fragrances on display I nearly burst into tears, because it reminded me of how much he loved his toiletries from there. It happened again at Costco, because I got one of their huge hand-dipped ice cream bars. The only other time I have gotten one was when I was with Morin one day. He got it for me and wouldn't even take a bite because he knew I loved ice cream and didn't want to deprive me of even one bite. It was sweet of him, but I really wanted him to have some. It's more fun to share things you like with someone you love.  

Jarom and I went to a movie today.  It was fun having him here.  He has flown back to AZ and is probably in bed sleeping by now.  I took a picture of him in front of the theatre.  Here it is. He bought the jeans and hat when we went to the mall today.  Isn't he cute?

Today I have been remembering a lot of things about Morin that make me smile.  He was a man of so many facets.  He was very direct in his communication, yet sometimes hard to figure out.  he was so loving and expressed his feelings very eloquently to me, yet sometimes struggled with letting other people know how he felt about them.  He was a fan of the cooking channels and "animal planet" and always wanted to watch one or the other if the tv was on.  He almost always fell asleep while watching these things and if I changed the channel he would wake up and say something about how I always got my way because he loved me 'most'.  He was - of course - joking and didn't really mind me changing the channel. 

His disease process had caused him to have an intolerance for the taste of salt.  He had little or no appetite, so if he said he was hungry for something specific, I would hurry up and make it while he still felt like eating it.  He was a big fan of my spaghetti and would eat it every day until it was all gone.  He also loved my tacos and wanted to eat more than he was able.  I loved cooking for him because he appreciated it so much.

I was also remembering how much we enjoyed the full moon.  Last October he was still strong enough for us to hike up Papago Peak and take this picture of the moon (and lots of others).  I had planned to get there early and find a good spot while we could still see where we were going, but by the time he got out of dialysis and we took off, it was already pretty dark.  He usually wore sandals with socks.  That night was no exception, so he kept razzing me that I didn't tell him to wear shoes because it made it harder for him to walk on the dirt and rocks up hill.  We had fun that night, but he was never strong enough again to do something like that.  I'm glad we went when we did.

Since he didn't have a driver's license he asked my daughter Sandy to take him shopping for my birthday and Christmas gifts.  He looked to her for advice on what I would like and took her recommendations very seriously.  He would say, "I know you will love this one because Sandy said you would."  He was always right.  (or should I say Sandy was :-)) 

Morin liked hiding a few dollars in strange spots because he would forget about it and then when he thought he was broke he would still have money.  It was very cute.  He would point out where he was putting some in the car and tell me to use it if I needed to.  It was nice, because sometimes I did need to use it.  I still have the last few dollars he left in the car.  I will probably leave it there forever just because he isn't here to replace it and it makes me feel like he's kind of still with me.  Silly?  Who cares.

I guess I should finish this up and get to bed before Susie catches me still up.  She tries to be the voice of reason when I am here at her home.  I can do some more remembering another day. 

Waking up sad

Today is just one of  "those" days.  I woke up feeling sad and like the weight of the world was on my shoulders.  I can't seem to shake it.  Everything reminds me of the fact that my sweetheart is gone.

This is Jarom.  He came up for football camp at BYU and is staying with us until Monday night.  He is my Grandson from Arizona

Susie and Jarom, Gracee and I got all dressed up and drove over to the Lindon Public Pool to swim this morning.  Gracee was being really irritable and Susie was hoping a trip to the pool would cheer her up.  When we got there we discovered it wasn't open for swimmers until 12:30, so we were way too early.

So we went over to Russ's parents' home because Gracee wanted to see BaPa (grandpa) and Jarom wanted to show us his new skill of doing a back flip on the trampoline.  BaPa wasn't home, so Gracee's distress was clear on that.  We spent some time watching Jarom and Gracee jump on the trampoline and then came back home.

Then I felt like I might as well have stayed in bed (what I felt like doing anyway). Instead, I chose to try and blog out my feelings.  Maybe the deep, dark pit I am in will seem a little bit less dark and less deep if I just write this down.

Somehoe, I have managed to get through this day.  It is after 8:00 pm now.  Susie, Russ and Jarom are at the lake using waverunners with friends, Gracee is in bed and I am watching a 20/20 program about Michael Jackson's death a year ago today.  Sad that he is gone.  Sad that Morin is gone too.

I have lost loved ones in the past, but have never dealt with the level of grief that comes when you lose your mate.  I have new respect for the widows of this world.  I don't know how they get up in the morning and go through each day, acting like life is normal.  I feel like hiding in a dark room and sobbing my eyes out.  I can only imagine the pain of losing a child, thank goodness.  That is something I hope I never go through.

This is another picture of my sweetheart.  It was taken in August 2009 in our kitchen.  He was happy.

I guess I will survive this grief.  I am a survivor, after all is said and done.  I don't know when or how, but someday I will feel okay again.  I will always miss Morin, but life will mean something to me again.  It is simply a matter of time.  Until then, I will continue to get up in the morning and try to survive another day.

Another Day Has Come and Gone. Morin is Still Not Here on Earth! :-( I Still Miss You Baby

These are some of Morin's remote control toys.  He loved playing with them.

Early this morning I had a pretty severe crying spell.  I finally fell asleep a little after 6:00 am and slept fitfully for about three hours.  I guess it's part of the package that grief brings with it.  Once I got up I had a pretty good day.  I did struggle twice to avoid crying, but that is something I've been experiencing often throughout every day since Morin died.  Usually I do actually spend some time crying, so I consider today to have been a good day. 

This is the bike Morin kept trying to ride.  He fell off every time because he was too weak.

Keeping busy seems to help, though I wonder if it is akin to "numbing out" in all of its forms, because it merely draws your attention to something else so you don't have to spend time in the pain of this journey of grief and sorrow.  Eventually it comes back around and stares you in the face again and has to be felt.

Traditionally I am a classic "numb-out" person.  It may be comfort foods, it may be playing games endlessly on my computer, it may be watching too much tv or sleeping longer than I need to or even crocheting or shopping.  All of these have successfully helped me remain numb for years at a time.  I am trying to avoid these tactics so I can spend time working through my feelings of grief this time and move on to a healthier place.

Morin enjoying his time with Star.  He would spend hours with her every day.

Susie has been great at trying to be whatever I need her to be right now.  I don't know what I did to deserve her sweet spirit as my daughter.  She is nurturing yet also encourages me into healthier ways of being and of doing things, yet not forcefully.  She has always known how to do that with me and she never offends me while doing it.  In addition, she doesn't always come away from our interactions feeling a sense of accomplishment, because I am a pretty tough case.  I try to cooperate but also try to be true to what I feel I need at the moment.  Sometimes I clearly don't want to choose the wisest way.  Sometimes I want to stay where I am for a while, no matter how bad it is for me.  I will move on past that point in due time.  For those who love me and want to help it must be hard.  I agree with that.

My sweet, happy husband!

All I can do is wake up every day and try to get through that day as best I can and hope that the next day will be a little less painful.  Right now my pain and feeling of loss and sadness is still pretty overwhelming.  It has surprised even me, because I knew my husband would be dying in the near future.  I figured it was just a matter of time and that I would just accept it and go on living.  It hasn't worked out that way.  I miss him with every fiber of my being.  I want to still be sitting in our recliners side-by-side watching tv and holding hands.  I want to wake up in the middle of the night and find he is on the floor and needs help getting up.  I want to fix whatever sounds good to him to eat no matter what time it is.  I want him to wake me up at 2:30 in the morning and tell me he feels like going for a drive just to get out of the house.  I want to sit on our patio swing with him for hours on end just because he doesn't want to be cooped up like he was in prison.  I want to see him ride his bike even though he will end up on the ground, because it showed his desire to live life to the fullest.  He loved bike riding, so he kept trying.  I loved his spirit - it was indomitable.  I just loved him so much for all of his character traits and his desire to live life well and be a good person.  He was everything I ever hoped or dreamed he would be.  Thanks for the sweet memories my love.

Above is the swing we enjoyed sitting on and talking.  It was especially fun right at dusk.  This lower picture is some of Morin's favorite hats and fishing poles.  He LOVED fishing!

I Miss You Baby!

Morin Joseph Peterman Sr. 9-3-1960 to 4-13-2010

My husband - Morin Joseph Peterman Sr. - died April 13th 2010.  I am struggling daily to work through the grief I feel.  I have loved him since 1997.  We married in 1999.  Most of the years we were married, he was in prison.  I wrote him, visited him, talked to him on the phone as often as we were allowed.  We spent so much time and energy planning our future together - all the things we wanted to do together and with family.  We had quite a list.  As his prison term neared completion, his long-term illness of Hepatitis C began to ravage his body (as it always does) and he came close to death several times.  Our big fear was that he would never make it home to me alive.

Morin had betrayed my trust many times before going to prison and had hurt me deeply.  I even considered for a minute that I might leave him when he went back to prison.  To me 10.5 years (his sentence) felt like a lifetime.  I was also afraid I could never trust him again, so waiting seemed pointless.  Before I even had a chance to sleep on that thought I realized I wanted to be with him, prison or not.  I loved him for who he was, not who I thought he was or wanted him to be.  He loved me the same way.  It isn't easy to find that kind of love and I decided he was worth waiting for.  Over the prison years, he always promised he would do right by me when he was released.  "Baby, I'll give you at least 10 good years", he would say.  I really wanted to believe it.  I went through lots of stages of grieving while he was in prison; grieving over what might have been if he had just done what he promised, grieving that we were getting older every year and not able to do things while we still had our health, grieving that I couldn't have him with me at all those special moments life presents us with.  When he got so sick I knew most of our list was never going to be completed and I grieved about that.

Toward the last year or so of prison I truly came full circle and felt I could trust him again and wasn't worried about what would happen when he came home.  It felt good to think of him without those old nagging feelings of anxiety eating at me. The focus of our prayers became that he would come home alive and still able to do a few of the things we had on our list. 

The first vital organ to suffer from the ravages of Hep C was his kidneys..  He went on dialysis in 2007.  It was a very frightening and sobering experience for him.  Life-changing in so many ways.  It changed how he felt about himself, his life, his transgressions, God and our relationship.  He was humbled and ready to submit to God's will for him.  He had previously been uncomfortable talking about death and mortality - he was superstitious about it.  After he began dialysis and really faced death head-on, he was willing to have discussions about it.  He even brought it up himself during our visits.  He had such faith though.  He prayed, always and believed prayers would be answered. 

Somewhere along the way his heart also fell victim to the Hep C, as it became so enlarged (Congestive Heart Failure) that when his cardiologist put in a defibrillator it wouldn't function.  Another procedure had to be done.  They implanted a device called a Subcutaneous Array that straddled the heart across from the defibrillator and connected to it, so the heart could be shocked when needed..  His doctor said he had never seen a heart as enlarged as Morin's was.  Within 10 days of his defibrillator implant it saved his life 14 times in two hours one day.  It was a painful solution to his breathing problems and not being able to sleep and having no energy.  It took months for the swelling and tenderness to subside, but it did help him to feel better so we were glad he had it done.

Morin and I the day he got out of prison - July 24, 2009.  It was so good to have him back!

 

The only Christmas we got to have together and we had so much fun!

 

The wonderful balloons Morin got me for my birthday March 21 were still flying high when he died and beyond.  I will keep them as long as they are flying.

Morin with his cute little granddaughter (one of them)

I took these two pictures of Morin Sr. and Morin Jr. while they were clowning around in our kitchen.  Nice memory.

Morin's cousin Melinda with her new grandson

 

Many other side-effects of end-stage liver disease were present when he was released from prison in July 2009.  His medical problems were varied and constant and he suffered it all without complaint.  Our time together was wonderful, though a lot of it was spent in hospitals and emergency rooms.  Everything we did to manage his health was worth it, because we were finally together.  Toward the end of his life he fell many times.  Usually, I would help him up and life would continue as usual.  Then he got so weak I had to get help when he fell because he couldn't push with his legs and help.

Morin during one of his many hospital stays.  He is being visited by Joyce, wearing her dress for the Renaissance Festival.

Morin in the hospital.  No, he's not flipping me off, it just looks like it.  He was always smiling.

 

On April 11th Morin fell while walking in from the garage.  He hit his head on the cement curb hard enough to raise a big bump and cause a laceration. He refused to let me take him to the ER so I called paramedics to transport him and met them there.  He never came home. 

We started out at one hospital where they admitted him, did a CT scan and some blood work and decided his confusion was because of an elevated ammonia level (another side-effect of end-stage liver disease) and didn't repeat the CT scan until midnight of April 12th when he suffered a massive stroke in the hospital.  I was there with him, trying to sleep on the couch.  It was so scary to see him like that.  I saw all of our hopes and dreams die within the  next 18 hours as his life slipped quietly away.The last words he said were, "I love you baby."

After his stroke became evident, he was transported to a trauma hospital because apparently the hospital we were in was not a level one trauma center and not equipped for his condition to be managed.  He needed to be seen by a neurosurgeon as soon as possible.  At 6:00 am they repeated the CT scan and the bleeding in his brain had increased a lot.  By now he had been placed on a ventilator to assist his breathing.  He didn't get to see the neurosurgeon until 9:00 am.  By then it was clear that surgery was not going to help him.  The surgeon said that if he survived the surgery, his life would be spent as a vegetable - suffering from his disease processes, yet unable to tell anyone what he was feeling.  He would have lived only because of machines keeping him alive in some medical facility.  This was not what Morin wanted - living like that.  I knew it, but wanted him back.  It was such a sad experience, making the decision to just let him go peacefully and end his suffering.  I wanted to take him home and let him die there, but they couldn't transport him with the ventilator and he would have died in the ambulance without it.

So, with his loved ones in the room, the nurse turned off the ventilator at 6:25 pm on April 13th, 2010.  He never took a single breath on his own after that.  I felt like my whole world had just fallen apart.  My Sweetheart and Love of my Life was gone from this earth.  Suddenly, unexpectedly, gone.  We thought we had at least another year and that death would come gradually until one night he would mercifully die with me holding him and telling him how much I loved him.  Yes - just like me, he was forever the romantic.  Of course, Heavenly Father always knows better than we do.  No matter when Morin died I would have wished for more time with him.  This kind of death was a blessing for him, because he didn't have to suffer a lingering, painful death.

 

I know that in my mind and heart, but I miss him so much that I haven't been able to stop myself from going over and over it, trying to see how the outcome could have been different.  What if I had been with him in the garage that day?  Could I have seen the fall coming and steadied him?  What if I had insisted on further investigation of his confusion ie. more CT scans that first day?  What if his puppy Star hadn't been with him?  Did she actually cause him to fall?  Indeed, she was the one to summon help when he fell.  Did she first run   around his legs with her leash and trip him?  What if the paramedics had taken him to a level 1 trauma center in the first place?  I just can't keep the "what if's" out of my mind.

This is a picture of Morin with his Pit Bull puppy Star.  His son Morin Peterman Jr. gave her to him for Christmas.  He loved her and spent a lot of time with her in the yard and garage.

And then there are the things we never got to do.  Why not?  Why didn't we go to that free concert in the park even though he didn't feel good?  Why didn't we get our fishing licenses and go use our brand new fishing poles?  Why didn't we go to the park and race our remote control cars?  Why didn't we go to more movies?  Why did I cut out a pair of pajamas for him and never get them sewn so he could wear them?  He waited months for me to get them done and never complained that I hadn't.  Why?  Why was he so amazingly pleasant and loving every minute we were together?  Why didn't we ever have that BBQ we kept talking about? 

 I know a couple of answers.  He wanted to do a whole lot of things but didn't feel well enough to do them.  He was trying to make up to me for all the pain he had caused me in the past, so he seemed to think I could do no wrong.  He always thought I was better than I was.  I did love him more than I can even explain and I tried to show him every day, but I always felt like I was falling short of what my best was. 

 Who knows?  Our life together was fraught with medical issues and was stressful in that way - including me breaking my foot and being required not to bear weight on it for 14 weeks.  It was quite untimely.  I was at the hospital during one of his 8 admissions and I was just taking a step in the hospital corridor and when my foot came down I didn't twist it or trip or anything.  I heard a sound like a bat hitting a baseball and it was my foot breaking.  I screamed and grabbed the safety rail.  The tech got me a wheelchair and took me to the ER and after they casted it, I went back to Morin's room.  He never knew I was going through anything until I came wheeling into his room around 2:00 am..........

.

Anyway, after my Sweetheart died everything just kind of became a blur.  My mom came and stayed with me a few days.  She has such a "Mom Heart".  She is 83 years old and suffering failing health herself, but she wanted to be there for me in my time of need.  Then my youngest daughter Susie came with sweet little Gracee Ann and stayed a couple of weeks.  While Susie was there she made sure I ate and slept.  She made a wonderful scrapbook for the Memorial Service.  It is filled with wonderful pictures and memories of Morin.  All of my seven children came for the services.  They sang and my son Star gave a talk on the atonement.  The flowers were beautiful and there was a wonderful luncheon following that the sweet sisters from my ward and my previous ward prepared.  I felt so supported and loved by those who came and who donated money to help pay for the expenses.  Then after all that I had a week or so before there was a family reunion to go to in Snowflake, AZ.  There were a lot of people there and it was nice, but I felt like I was in a daze.

Cute picture of Gracee at a park in AZ April 2010

Sandy, Susie and Gracee Ann after lunch at Someburros with family.

Some of the beautiful flowers that were at the memorial service.

This is my daughter Stephanie and her husband David Adams with my sister Marilyn at the memorial service luncheon.  It was so great having them all there.

These are two of my sons - Steven and Slade at the luncheon.  Aren't they handsome?

In the background you can see my sister Beth and my brother Lincoln.  In the foreground left to right, my daughter Sandy, her son Cameron, my son Scotty and my ex husband Scott Hall.  It was so great to have them all there that day.

  This is Morin's son - Morin Peterman Jr.  On his left is Morin's cousin Melinda, on his right is Joyce, one of his son's friends and next to her is someone whose name I don't know.  I hope they enjoyed the services and the luncheon.

In this picture is my sister Tami, her daughter Lacey and my son Star.  I loved having my family there.  All of them.  It was wonderful.

This is my ex - Scott Hall with Sandy's cute youngest child, Jarom and his dad - Randy Stoker.  They were so great to Morin and I was glad to have them there.

This is Susie with her friend Emily at the services.  They have been friends since 5th grade.

After the memorial service, the family gathered at my home to sing songs and spend some time together.  These four pictures are from that gathering.

These next seven pictures were taken at the family reunion in Snowflake.

At some point, I made the decision to come to Utah for the summer.  Morin was supposed to fly up here with me on May 20th and we were going to stay for two weeks.  We were going to watch Gracee while Susie and Russ went on their first cruise.  It was going to be Morin's first ride on a plane.  He would have been so cute, looking down at the earth from up there.  It would have been one of the things on our list.  As turned out, Susie used the extra ticket to come and help me out after he died.

Aubrey -Scotty & Alethea's oldest with her pet hamster - "Hammy"

Scotty and Alethea's two boys at Jessie's second birthday party,

6-9-2010.  Jesse above and Ethan below. Cuties!

Gracee being cute, sporting her mom's colorful headband.

We had a really fun BBQ at Scottie's home Saturday.  Here are some pics from that day and a video if it works.

Schuyler taking Jesse for a little joy ride

Millie decides to help out

It's dessert time for Gracee and Susie.  A baby popsicle and a Mamma popsicle.

(The videos both failed to upload here.  Sorry.)

 

Coming here without Morin was very hard for me, because it caused so much sadness over him missing this opportunity.  I try to feel his presence and I talk to him about how cute something is or how beautiful the day is or anything I think would have been fun or interesting if he was here, but it just isn't the same as him being here.  I sometimes have a day or so when there isn't a wave of sadness or grief that washes over me, but most days it happens at least once or twice.  Sometimes I can't stop crying and sometimes I cry briefly. 

 Because Morin wasn't flying with me, I decided to drive to Utah.  I took these pictures as I was leaving Page, AZ because it was so pretty and I thought he would have enjoyed seeing it with me.

 Susie took me to the library so I could check out some books on grief.  I have been reading one called "But if Not - When Bad Things Threaten to Destroy Good People".  I think it is helping me, but unfortunately it just takes time to grieve.  There are no rules about how MUCH time, but I know from experience that you can't rush it or lessen it.  It is what it is and everyone grieves in their own way and at their own pace. 

In most ways it is good being here in Utah.  I have lots of loving family and positive things going on around me.  It has been hard though, because inside myself, I feel like I can't really work through my feelings when I am so far away from where my life with Morin took place.  That seems the simplest way to say what I am feeling.  I do miss the Arizona family too.  It is helpful talking with them about how I feel because they actually got to be around Morin and witness the wonderful change in him.  He helped build some important bridges in his brief time after prison.  Personal bridges of change and hope with family members.  He didn't even realize he was doing it.  He was just being himself. 

Morin and I after one of Jarom's football games.  What fun it was, having Morin with me that day!

As I continue with this blogging, I will hopefully be consistent in relating my progress and what my feelings are from day to day or if not daily then maybe weekly.  I hope that blogging will help me work through some of my emotions and heal in a more timely manner.  Feel free to leave your helpful comments.