The Ongoing Struggle

I have been doing better during the daytime for the most part, but I avoid going to bed at night.  Once I lay down I feel the lack of Morin beside me so intensely.  One of our favorite things to do was spooning.  When Morin was in prison, I missed him so much.  I would lay in bed at night and imagine he was there holding me.  Sometimes I could almost feel him.  I looked forward to him coming home to me and knew that eventually he would. Now when I lay down I know he never will be there again and it is hard to avoid a crying spell.  Night before last it was so bad I didn't get to sleep until about 6:30 am.

One of the things I do (I have mentioned this previously) when I am upset, stressed or sad is shop - usually online, late at night, when I should be in bed.  While I have been in Utah I ordered a computer online, knowing I would probably end up returning it (I am the return queen).  In my defense, I have been planning to get a computer and have been saving up for one (and I didn't buy it late at night on impulse).  My beloved Mac laptop hasn't worked in over a year, so I don't usually use the computer much.  In the last 30 days (the period of time I have in which to return this computer) I have done more on the computer than I did the whole last year, I think.  Anyway, it is time to return it.  I would just keep it, but I had my son Scott check it out and he thinks I would be happier with an INTEL processor, so back it goes.

Knowing of this 30 day deadline has caused me to be a little crazy about how much time I spend on the computer. Last night I was going to watch an episode (via the computer) of 'America's Got Talent' that I missed and then go to bed.  Susie had committed me to this before she went to bed around 10:45 or so.  As I opened the computer lid it occurred to me that all the pictures I have taken since I have been here (over 1,000) would be lost in this computer if I didn't do something, and quick!  So I spent the next four hours laboriously editing, rotating and also deleting the extras that somehow snuck into my picture files.  Hundreds of the pictures had five or six duplicates, so it took quite a bit of time.  Then I uploaded them to the Costco photo center.

Finally, I finished and began watching the episode of AGT I had been trying to get to all day.  Within five or ten minutes, Susie came into my room, got down on her knees by my chair and with her hands clasped together and a very charming demeanor, she said, "Mom, I am begging you.  Please have some temperance.  You can watch it tomorrow.  I will even watch it with you, but I beg you to go to bed."  For some reason it struck me funny and I decided to go to bed as she asked.  I couldn't stop laughing for about five minutes.  It felt kind of refreshing to laugh again.

Of course, I didn't get right to sleep.  that would be too easy.  I was spared a huge crying spell, but I just couldn't get to sleep.  After two hours laying there wide awake, I got up and sat in the recliner for a while until my eyes got droopy, then fell asleep as the sun came up.  Of course, the day was kind of topsy turvy because of it.  I was going to watch Gracee while Susie went to lunch with friends and she ended up taking Gracee with her because I was just getting up.  That made Gracee's nap late, so tonight when I watched her while Susie was working she wasn't ready to go to sleep until really late.

One thing I have been struggling with concerning my feelings of grief and sadness, is I don't really understand how to put the atonement to use here.  I know I can turn the pain over to Christ so I don't have to feel it, but how do I do that?  In reality, I have never been good at doing that, so that is my quest.  Other people talk about doing it and of the peace it brings them, so what is wrong with me? 

Yes, I have had numerous experiences when my life has been upside down and I have prayed for peace and felt it for a period of time.  It has been a great relief.  I have always been able to feel that my sincere prayers were answered in those situations.  However, when I am in an all-encompassing pit of grief and sadness that is with me all the time I feel like I just need to say, "Here.  Please take this pain from me because I can't stand feeling it anymore."  I can even get some temporary relief in that way, but the feelings just keep coming back.  It makes me think I'm doing something wrong or I would feel better.

Here it is, 1:30 am.  I guess I will try to go to sleep 'early' tonight and decide if I am ready to post this when I wake up.  I will have to use a different computer though......


Now it is several days later.  I spent a few days in Bountiful with Scotty and Alethea.  While I was there my 6-year-old granddaughter Aubrey showed me a video that was compiled by a parent of one of her kindergarten classmates.  After watching it, she became very sad because she missed her friends and kindergarten and instinctively knew it was gone forever, and she mourned and grieved and was inconsolable.  My heart went out to her, because it reminded me of what I have been experiencing.  Nothing anyone could say was able to comfort her.

Aubrey with her pet hamster, Hammy

We all tried to help her, but as the day continued she had several episodes of tears and obvious grieving.  Though I have continued my reading on the subject, I found myself at a loss as to how to console her.  It gave me some insight into what it must be like to be around me these days.

I had a decent night that night, but when I woke up I felt like the sadness was too overwhelming for me.  I tried and tried but just couldn't shake it.  I didn't want to depress everyone else, so I stayed in my basement room until I could handle facing life again.  I texted Scotty and Alethea so they would know what was going on with me and they were very understanding.

When I finally went upstairs, well after noon, Aubrey was gone playing with a friend across the street.  Alethea said she had watched her kindergarten video three or four times that morning and had invited her friend to watch it with her and seemed to be doing better.  When she returned she seemed her old happy self.  It made me wish for a video with Morin in it.  Maybe it would help me to heal faster.  Or is it that children are better at getting over things? 

Scotty with Jesse, age 2

Ethan, age 4

Alethea with Jesse and Aubrey at swimming lessons

In fact, not having a video is one of my biggest regrets.  With all the technology available to me, I should have a video of Morin.  I am so sad that I don't.  Not having his voice to listen to or a video of him just being himself is unbelievable to me.  It would have been so easy to do and would have meant so much to me and others that loved him.  Why????  Why didn't I do that????

These are the things that are hard to let go of.  The things I could have done but didn't.  I know in my mind that holding onto them is counterproductive and not at all helpful to me in healing my broken heart, but so far I have been unable to let go of those regrets.