The Circle of Life: Snow

I have kept as busy as possible since my last blog post. I came home from Snowflake determined to make the costumes requested by Steph's little boys. I spent every minute until I went back - around October 24th or so - working on costumes. I finished up Noah's Link costume, made a Ghilly suit for Forest (never again), a Michael Jackson costume for Joey and a Caillou costume for Little Slade. They were so cute and loved them so much! It gave me something to focus on other than my grief. Good, but not really, because sooner or later I have to feel the depth of my grief for long enough to work through it and move on. Running from it or hiding from it or numbing out won't change a thing, although those could all be harmful. If grief is held inside and not worked through it can show up in unhealthy ways for a much longer period of time than otherwise. I have learned that much. Here are some cute pictures from that visit:

Forest in his Ghilly suit. It was very time consuming to make, but he loved it so much. I was glad I made it.

Little Slade as Caillou. What a cutie he is!

Joey - or should I say Michael Jackson? I made the arm band thing and searched long and hard for the white v-neck t-shirt, hat and wig (not to mention the sunglasses). He enjoyed it a lot. He still wears the hat sometimes.

This was initially the only costume I intended to make, but once I got started I caught the vision of what they wanted and was off and running. It turned out great in the end. Sadly, the hat got lost at a Halloween party.

This picture was taken when we went to the pumpkin patch. Steph let them each choose a pumpkin as big as they could carry. Noah wanted the biggest pumpkin and tried so hard to carry it, but alas, he had to settle for a smaller one. The next few pictures are of the day at the patch and the carving of the jack-o-lanterns the next night. I was impressed because they did the carving all on their own! They have been taught well in the art of jack-o-lantern carving.

So, Halloween was fun. Steph and David both had deer tags so they were hunting that week. I was there to keep things going at home and they came home to sleep each night, so I wasn't totally on my own with the boys. It was a lot of fun but I was glad to get home. I do enjoy having my own space.

A few days after I got home it was Cameron's 20th birthday. He asked Sandy for a dragon cake, which led us on an internet search for how to make one. It was a joint effort and we spent easily a whole day making it. Here are a few pictures of that cake and Cam's party.

Cameron with his daughter, Joselyn, Cute!

Keir and Ellanie

Cam's friends. Wow! I lost count.

Slaying the Dragon :-)

Cam and Ell

Once I was home and the activities wound down, the reality of Morin being gone hit me hard again. It's hard to think of anything else when I am here at home by myself. Then Susie called and told me the news that she and Russ and Gracee were going to come for Christmas. I had been dreading Christmas without Morin. I had already decided not to decorate or put up a tree this year. I wasn't sure what I was going to do other than that. I was so pumped for them to come! It changed everything!

I started thinking Christmas ideas right away - what to have for meals, how much decorating to do, what gifts to make or buy etc. This provided me with a lot of opportunity to focus again, outside the grief issues. I had the spare bedroom to transform from a storage area to a guest room, decorating to do, shopping for food and what gifts I could afford. Most time consuming of all - I thought of some sewing projects for Christmas. I spent a lot of time on all these tasks and managed to get done just in time for their arrival on Christmas Eve.

Russ, Gracee and Susie ready for Christmas Caroling

Silly Jarom, Randy and Joselyn ready to go Caroling

Gracee busily opening gifts - note the cute apron I made for her :-) and Uncle Slade handing out gifts.

Gracee modeling the tutu Susie made and her Dora hat. Cute!

The Hannig's on Christmas morning

It was so great! We had Slade and the Stokers come over for Christmas eve with us and again on Christmas day when we had a nice turkey dinner. We had a game night while they were here too. Of course, Christmas morning was so much more fun with Gracee here. There were all sorts of things to stay busy with during their week here.

We had a fun lunch at Mattas and took a few pictures there. Then when we had game night, Bri slept over and we all did our nails.

Susie and Russ with Becka and Brad

Sandy and Randy and Marilyn holding Wyatt I think.

Cameron, Jarom and Sandy

The above pictures were taken at the Mattas luncheon

Bri and Gracee at game night

Bri, Gracee and Jarom

The above three pics were taken on game night

Then there was a New Year's Eve family event planned by Scott for the kids to all get together with him and Diane in Pinetop at a resort up there.The plan was for me to drive my car so Slade would have a way there and back and so I could see the Utah family while they were here. We planned to go early so I could have time with them before it actually started. However, the weather turned awful and all the roads were closed when we were planning to go. I was going to spend the weekend at Steph and David's home in Snowflake, spend time with the Utah family as planned and then drive back down with Slade on the 2nd or 3rd.

We finally managed to get up there on New Year's eve after it was already dark and the roads were so awful I had to stay in Pinetop and feel like a party crasher. Nevertheless, it was fun being there with the family. We played lots of games and had some group meals. It was freezing cold - below zero cold and there was sheets of ice everywhere, but it was fun.

I really like this cute picture of Scottie and his family

Nice one of Susie and Sandy at the resort

Forest, Susie, Gracee, Jarom and Joey at the resort

Great picture of David, Gracee and snow in flight

Gracee with Aunt Steph, playing in the snow. Cute.

Most of the clan. Minus Cam and Slade who were missing in action for this pic

Really cute of Noah and Slade

I'm not sure if these guys are finishing up a snowball fight or what. It was one of the few pics of Cameron at the resort, so I wanted to include it.

Since I returned home I have struggled a lot. I think I went over a week without leaving home or getting dressed except for Church on Sunday. I have been much more tired than usual, sleeping either way more than necessary or staying up all night because I can't sleep. I have - for the first time probably ever - been existing in a continual black pit for long periods of time. I don't really know how else to describe it. I have felt completely powerless and helpless to change it. It scared me and I managed to pull myself together and go to a grief group on the 17th of January. It is on the first and third Tuesday of each month. It was a big group - almost 20 people shared that night. I cried all the way through because each person's story overlapped part of what I was feeling. I shared a bit of mine (I was next to last) and then I cried all the way home. I think I needed to do some solid crying, so that was actually a good thing. I came home and wrote in my journal and felt better.

I have entered the pit and also climbed out several times in the last two weeks, but overall I think I have seen improvement. I am eating more healthy foods and forcing myself to get dressed every day. I have been spending a little bit of time each day sitting on the swing Morin and I used to sit on together. It is on the patio in the sun, so I just go out there where the sun is shining and it's nice and quiet and sit there trying to feel his presence. If nothing else, the sunshine should help lift my mood.

That's about it for now. I will be going to Utah on the 23rd of February. I'll be there three weeks. Hopefully I will make a bit of progress before I blog next.

July 9, 2010

Susie and Russ are in Vermont on a trip with the Jennie Phillips choir. They have been part of the choir for 4 or 5 years. It's a great opportunity for them to visit some church history spots and they will be going to the Hill Cumorrah Pageant while there. This puts Gracee and I together again for five days. Susie organized some helpers for me this time, because I told her it would be better for me if I could have some breaks. Each day a friend or family member takes her for a few hours. Today it was Russ's sister Jennifer. I decided to run some errands during the time she was at Jen's.

Everything was going fine. In fact, when Susie had called me today I told her I was doing well and I thought I was "numb" today, because no major emotions were going on. Then, as I drove up at the Winco parking lot, a wave of sadness and grief took over suddenly and unexpectedly. I began to sob and for a few minutes could do nothing but cry. As I tried to figure out what happened, I decided it was because Morin and I always went shopping together. Today was actually the first time I went shopping by myself since he died. Usually I have Gracee or both Susie and Gracee with me. I shopped for many years solo, but after shopping with Morin for a few months being alone feels strange and sad.

July 11, 2010
Today Gracee and I were invited to my son Star's home for dinner. After dinner, Stef (his wife, my wonderful daughter-in-law) sat down beside me and we had a nice long talk about grief. She is no stranger to it herself. Probably her most painful encounter with grief was eight years ago when she gave birth to Louisa Grace Hall. She lived only a couple of hours.

At the time, I did what is commonly done: I didn't reach out much because I didn't know what to say. Now that I am tasting of the bitter cup of grief, I wish I could turn back the clock and reach out to her with the same love and understanding she has offered me. Since that is not possible, I hope that in the future I will not miss an opportunity to help others in any way I can.

Stef describes grief (even after 8 years) as bubbles that just sort of float around us, waiting to be popped. When one pops it feels as though you are drowning. That is a great analogy of what I felt the other day as I drove up at Winco. I still experience small 'bubble pops' regularly - every day several times. I have mercifully not had a crying spell that wouldn't stop in a week or so, but those large and small bubbles are pretty thick around me, just waiting to pop with no warning.

Grief is such an individual process. No two people will experience it quite the same, nor will they react to it alike, and yet everyone that goes through loss and grief will come out of it changed forever. In the books I have been reading by Joyce and Dennis Ashton there are a couple of quotes that give me reason to hope for better times.

"Our struggles and experiences become part of us and forever change how we look at the world and ourselves. We will likely never be the same again; however, we can find joy, meaning and a "new normal" as we do our grief work."
"Most of us can and will adapt to loss and life's challenges as we discover our "new normal." Our spirits can come to the realization that we will find lasting peace and that "joy cometh in the morning"(Psalm 30:5)."

Meanwhile, life goes on around me as if nothing has happened to change the world. Snow falls (as it did here on May 24), flowers bloom, babies are born and grow into delightful little people, the sun comes up every day and the moon and stars at night. All of these things delight me, yet the next minute a bubble can still pop..........