One Year Already

As the year anniversary approaches since Morin died, I find myself becoming a bit more sad and emotional.  and am surprised that I haven't made more progress.  I thought that by now I would have started to feel much better most of the time.  In reality, I know I have improved a lot, but still feel sad more than I want to and I am unable to get to a point that I actually care about much of anything on a daily basis.  I don't enjoy life as much as I used to and I still feel the need to avoid people a lot because I don't feel like socializing most of the time.  Tonight I got to crying and couldn't sleep, so I thought maybe blogging would be helpful.

One of the pictures Morin and I took December 2009.  We were trying to get a good one for a Christmas card using a remote for our camera.  Just thought it would be fun to include it here in memory of my sweetheart.

I spent a month in Utah, not three weeks.  I had a lot of fun with family there.  I spent a week in Bountiful with Scottie and his family, watched Gracee while Susie and Russ went to Las Vegas to watch BYU basketball, spent not near enough time with Star's family, had lots of fun game time with Susie and Russ and friends from their Ward, went bowling twice - once with Steve and his kids where I actually bowled and on my birthday we took Gracee bowling and I was a spectator. 

Ethan wearing the cool glasses they have for kids at Wingers' Restaurant

Scottie and family when we ate dinner at Wingers

Me with Scottie's kids, Aubrey, Jesse and Ethan

Steve and his kids on our bowling day.  We sure had fun!

Gracee had a blast dancing to the music while we bowled

Steve and Susie - cute picture

Aubrey with her piggy bank that she and I "Blinged Out"

That is certainly the nutshell version of the month I spent in Utah.  I had a few emotional moments while I was there.  Several times because I was missing Morin, but also I had some remarkable experiences.  

(1  )When Susie and a friend of hers sang "Did You Think to Pray" in Sacrament Meeting I felt Grandad Gillespie's presence so strongly that day.  He loved to sing and I just felt him there enjoying seeing his great granddaughter singing one of Grandma's favorite hymns. 

(2)  When Susie, Russ and I went to the temple to do sealings we sat in the celestial room for a short time before leaving.  While sitting there, I had a strong wave of emotion and felt that it was Morin there with me.  We had planned to attend a temple open house together.  It was on our bucket list.  He wanted to see what our temples are like inside.  We had hoped for the one that opened last spring in the Gila Valley here in Arizona, but he didn't live long enough to go.  When I felt his presence it surprised me because I figured that wouldn't happen until after I had his temple ordinances completed.  It was a really special feeling and I hated to leave.

(3)  I also had some really strong emotions during my time with Gracee.  It was the first time it occurred to me that my Grandmother must have suffered as much as I did when I had to leave her and move to California.  It was the heartbreak of my young life.  One day as I was playing with Gracee, I realized how hard it would be to go home and not be with her any more.  Then my thoughts went to Grandma Gillespie.  She was a mother figure to me for most of my first five years of life.  We lived with her for much of those years and my mother worked so Grandma took care of me all day while my sisters were in school.  I suddenly realized it must have been awful for her when we left.  I haven't had nearly that much time with Gracee, but I got a glimpse into what Grandma went through.  It made me appreciate and feel closer than ever to Grandma.

The family threw a really fun and yummy birthday party for me at Scottie and Alethea's. Everyone came except Zach. He was at Youth Conference.   Here are a few pictures from the party:

Me with Little Steven and Little Susie - Steve's  kids

Me with Abby and Stef Hall - Star's daughter and wife.  I am holding a gift from them.

Cute Jesse Hall, Scottie's youngest

Ethan Hall with a rare huge smile, Scottie's second child

Gracee having a blast on Jesse's ride-on toy (Susie's daughter)

Jesse and Ethan having fun

It brought me a lot of joy, seeing how much fun the kids were having.  They all enjoyed each other so much that day.  They always play well together and I just love it.  Time spent with family is such a treasure.

On the day of my birthday - March 21, I was sad because last year I spent my birthday with Morin and I was missing him so much.  Russ and Susie said I could do whatever I wanted to do that day.  Russ took off of work so we could spend the day all together.  So, we took Gracee bowling, ate lunch with Star and in the evening we ate at Star's and played games after.  Here are some pictures from that dat:

Susie and Gracee getting ready to bowl

Gracee loves the camera!

Getting ready to roll the ball down the dinosaur's back.  She almost got a strike several times. Cute!

Gracee loved it when her ball hit the pins

The bowling was a hit but Gracee eventually had enough. Nap time!

I forgot to mention Sus and I got pedicures during Gracee's nap.  Fun!

Star getting ready to serve my yummy birthday dessert - Ice cream pie. Two kinds!

Cute Sammy made sure there was a large variety of game choices.  He went to a lot of work!

Millie loves to carry Gracee around

Gracee dancing for us - she loves to dance!

Playing games at Star's

Abby and I snuggling under the blanket they got from Aunt Sandy -Abbs's favorite



Millie and Sus



 

When I grieve it seems I have to find something to escape with.  This last year has been filled with all sorts of things to take my mind off my feelings of sadness and loneliness.  I don't know if that's the right way to do it or not, but what I am hoping is that time will help.  Obviously I need more than a year since I still experience a lot of grief on a daily basis.  It seems I feel the need to try and act normal because I know other people probably think I am or should be fine by now.  Sometimes I can and other times I cannot pull it off. 

(April 13, 2011)

I had planned to invite all of Morin's family that live in AZ and any of mine that wanted to come - over tonight to reminisce on the year anniversary of Morin's death.  I was going to make a big dinner and make a nice time of it.  However, I am unable to pull it off.  I'm just not up for it.  So instead, Jaysin and I are going to just go to an early dinner and reminisce and I will have everyone over soon for the big get-together.  My thinking feels pretty disorganized about what I should be doing or feeling right now, so I am just taking one day at a time and trying to be as productive as possible.  Lately I have been doing some crocheted easter eggs.  I don't know why - probably because it's something new I can do to keep my hands and mind busy.  Here is a couple of pictures of my eggs;

Last Saturday Steph came down with some of her Anatomy and Physiology classmates and we went to see Body World at the Arizona Science Center.  She surprised me with this new short hair.  I really like it.



Okay, I know this is another really long blog.  I wish I knew how to do shorter ones.  I hope you all will still take time to read it so my time has not been wasted.  Until my next blog........



The Tears and Triumphs

Here I am, six months, three days, two hours and 45 minutes after losing my Sweetheart, Morin.  I was sitting here listening to music on TV - Sirius Love Songs.  It was Morin's favorite music channel and we slept with it on when we had to sleep in our recliners because he couldn't sleep laying down.  The songs are the same and it reminded me of him.  If one of his favorites came on he would burst into song - in the dead of night or whenever.  I loved that about him.  Of course, I don't think he did that around everyone.  It was a side of him that was so sweet and joyful.  I miss that.

 Since I have been laptop-less, the blogging has gone by the wayside. But not the ongoing grief and daily struggles of life alone. Gratefully, I have found many distractions and activities to take my mind off of the sadness that tries to engulf me every minute.

While I was still in Utah, there was always something keeping me busy.  There were lots of birthdays and activities.  Schuyler Max had turned two just before I went up there.  In June there was Alethea and Jesse.  In July Star and Millie.  In August Scottie, Steve, Sam and Abbie.  I missed Steve's because I left on the 9th of August.  That next weekend I went up to Snowflake for Steph and Noah's birthdays and went up again on September 11th for Noah's baptism.  While I was still in Utah there was a visit from Steph, David and their sweet family, which I seem to have no pictures of on my computer.  It was great fun having them there, though. 

Bountiful, Utah Temple under the full moon



Millies's Happy Birthday "Diva Day"




Gracee Jammin' on I-tunes




Schuyler Max helping in the kitchen




Zach and Abby making cookies

 

Abby making cookies with Sammy looking on.  Abb's loves making and sharing treats.  She is a great hostess!




Abby's pedicure by me




Scottie's beautiful and yummy birthday cake - sorry I couldn't get it to flip.




Yummy enchilada dinner at Susie's the last day I was in Utah.  We had it on Abby's birthday - double fun!





Thanks to Sandy and Facebook, was able to reconnect with my friend from Tempe - Barbara Marshall.  Hadn't seen each other but once in 30 years




Noah - the Cutest 'Link' there ever was!  I made this costume between my first and second visit to Snowflake after returning to AZ.  It was his birthday wish!





Jarom and I with 'Flat Noah' after Jarom's fall concert





Noah's Baptism day.  I spoke on the Holy Ghost.  It was an honor.




Christian, me, silly Slade and Bri at game night on Bri's birthday!  Fun!  Aunt Susie called her during our party to wish her a happy birthday too!  And we remembered to include Flat Noah!







My Great Granddaughter - Joselyn on game night.  What a cutie!



The Fishes singing at Noah's baptism.  They sang "Families can be Together Forever"

I had several more pictures to add but they won't upload for some reason.  I've had some other things going on.  For example, dental work (always fun) doctor visits, I spoke in Sacrament meeting a few weeks ago.  The same day as game night I went to a game of Jarom's in Scottsdale and had a chance to visit with Bill and Michael Hall.  That was nice.  We all went to lunch at Ajo Al's afterward.  I tried to upload the picture but lost it somehow.

  I have just finished a costume for Forest.  Maybe I can blog about it once he tries it on and I have a picture.  I will never make another, so don't anyone get any bright ideas about that.  I am not exaggerating when I say it took well over a hundred hours to make.  Look up Ghilly Suit online and imagine making it when you aren't yourself and can't think well in a problem-solving way.  Yeah.  That's where I am :-)
I have been to a few grief groups at Morin's hospice.  The problem with that is this:  there is no group.  It is just  the Pastor and I and he isn't LDS, so we can't communicate very congruently about the eternal perspective.  I am looking for other free groups that might be available nearby.
To sum up how I am doing:

• I still have some tears every day.  I am not real clear-thinking all the time. 
• I am currently working on a challenge we were given to complete the Book of Mormon by the end of the year.  I am about 35 pages behind where I need to be, but will catch up. 
• I feel like I should be reaching out more for human contact, so I know I should, but am unable to make myself do it just yet. 
• I am sort of in a cocoon right now. 
• I have done some things, like going to Jarom's football games and having family over to play etc. 
•  I even watched conference with one of my neighbors who has been a widow for eight years or so.  She is a very sweet 'master quilter' about 80 years old. 
•  Oh- yeah, I also went to dinner with a friend from my ward who is a widow but five years or so younger than me.  She was the one person from the ward that really spent time getting to know Morin.  He liked her and was able to open up to her pretty well - an unusual thing for him to do.  It gives me someone to talk to about him. 
• I seem to feel better when I can reminisce with someone who knew him and share stories.  Jaysin and I did that the other day.  It was nice. 
• I am just taking things a day at a time right now. 

I was very upset and emotional when the little girl "Maddie" from Susie's ward was hit by a car and killed recently.  It felt like a new loss for me, but I also know her mom (she lost her husband five years ago) and I was grieving for what she must be going through.  Losing a child seems like it would be the hardest of all.  

Hopefully time will heal this along with the Gift of the Holy Ghost.  I have prayed for and received much comfort through this most precious gift from Heavenly Father. 





Ahhh!  Sweet Success.  Here is the picture taken at Ajo Al's.






A really sweet picture of Scotty with his kids, taken on his birthday